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Plant Sentenced to Death on Dorm Windowsill

A local coleus was selected from a UF plant drop, blissfully unaware that being handled by exploratory freshman Kendra Cotton is synonymous with certain...

Ominous Broadcast Interrupts Homecoming Game

Yesterday morning, the football stadium was ablaze in orange and blue colors as fans cheered and music played. Suddenly, silence fell as...

Depressed Student Eats Subway Five Days in a Row

A geology sophomore was recently spotted at the Rawlings Subway, the saddest Subway of them all, a full five days in a...

Krishna Ditches Refills, Causes Local Recession

The city of Gainesville has been consumed by a frenzy of unemployment, inflation and rising store prices after Krishna lunch ruled out...

UF Health Requiring Students Verify Covid Status with Pinky Swear

In the interest of protecting the health and welfare of students, UF Health has implemented a new protocol for validating data gathered...

Engineering Student Reinvents Wheel

Sophomore engineering students Cody Sinclair and Marc Thompkins have broken ground with a brand-new invention. “You know the saying,...

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Breaking: Turlington Missionaries Convert Each Other

A three-hour religious debate which erupted in Turlington Plaza between Jehovah’s Witness missionary Jethro White and Mormon preacher Josef Smithson ended in two tearful...

Good Life student reaches enlightenment

  After completing his Analytical Essay the Sunday night before it was due, “What is the Good Life?” student Tyler Oram successfully found enlightenment. In...

Study Group Fails Exam But Makes Lifelong Friendships

UF’s record for longest continuous joint study session was recently set by a collection of students who came together to prepare for the first...

Professor offers 1 word reply to student’s desperate 10 paragraph email

After a debaucherous night at Midtown, freshman political science major Nathan Cook awoke in a haze Thursday morning to discover that he had completely...

Tennessee Fans to Tailgate in Supervised, Mud-Filled Pen

UFPD announced Thursday that visiting Tennessee fans would be relegated to tailgating in a supervised, mud-filled pen. “This was done for both the safety...

BREAKING: Reitz Union votes to leave UF

After a recent poll, the residents of the Reitz Union have voted to leave the University of Florida. The results of the poll have shocked...

Graduating Senior Lands Dream Unpaid Internship

After four rigorous years of coursework and countless applications, senior John Baker accomploished his lifelong dream: an unpaid internship. “This is the best—I’m literally going...

Engineering Master’s Student Unable to Change Flat Tire

Masters of Engineering student Johnathan Khaling was stranded for hours on Archer Road Thursday after the left front tire of his Toyota Camry ran...