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Plant Sentenced to Death on Dorm Windowsill

A local coleus was selected from a UF plant drop, blissfully unaware that being handled by exploratory freshman Kendra Cotton is synonymous with certain...

Ominous Broadcast Interrupts Homecoming Game

Yesterday morning, the football stadium was ablaze in orange and blue colors as fans cheered and music played. Suddenly, silence fell as...

Depressed Student Eats Subway Five Days in a Row

A geology sophomore was recently spotted at the Rawlings Subway, the saddest Subway of them all, a full five days in a...

Krishna Ditches Refills, Causes Local Recession

The city of Gainesville has been consumed by a frenzy of unemployment, inflation and rising store prices after Krishna lunch ruled out...

UF Health Requiring Students Verify Covid Status with Pinky Swear

In the interest of protecting the health and welfare of students, UF Health has implemented a new protocol for validating data gathered...

Engineering Student Reinvents Wheel

Sophomore engineering students Cody Sinclair and Marc Thompkins have broken ground with a brand-new invention. “You know the saying,...

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Local Band Hare Krishna Drops New Single

For the first time since their 1965 MTV Music Video award for song of the year, local band Hare Krishna plans to release a...

Report: Construction workers just banging on stuff

The numerous construction sites around the University of Florida have been recently revealed to actually be just a bunch of dudes banging on stuff. The...

UF Freshman Pretends to Know How to Do Laundry

Melissa Totes, 18, was able to fool her peers for at least an hour in the Graham Area laundry room on Monday by acting...

Portal to Hell Found in Little Hall Bathroom

In news unsurprising to anyone who has ever entered a Little Hall bathroom, a demonic force has reportedly ripped open the fabric or space-time...

Study Group Fails Exam But Makes Lifelong Friendships

UF’s record for longest continuous joint study session was recently set by a collection of students who came together to prepare for the first...

Professor offers 1 word reply to student’s desperate 10 paragraph email

After a debaucherous night at Midtown, freshman political science major Nathan Cook awoke in a haze Thursday morning to discover that he had completely...

Breaking: Turlington Missionaries Convert Each Other

A three-hour religious debate which erupted in Turlington Plaza between Jehovah’s Witness missionary Jethro White and Mormon preacher Josef Smithson ended in two tearful...

UF commits blood sacrifice to appease U.S. News and World Report ranking gods

The University of Florida has been steadily climbing the U.S. News and World Report rankings over the past few years, and this month, the...