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Plant Sentenced to Death on Dorm Windowsill

A local coleus was selected from a UF plant drop, blissfully unaware that being handled by exploratory freshman Kendra Cotton is synonymous with certain...

Ominous Broadcast Interrupts Homecoming Game

Yesterday morning, the football stadium was ablaze in orange and blue colors as fans cheered and music played. Suddenly, silence fell as...

Depressed Student Eats Subway Five Days in a Row

A geology sophomore was recently spotted at the Rawlings Subway, the saddest Subway of them all, a full five days in a...

Krishna Ditches Refills, Causes Local Recession

The city of Gainesville has been consumed by a frenzy of unemployment, inflation and rising store prices after Krishna lunch ruled out...

UF Health Requiring Students Verify Covid Status with Pinky Swear

In the interest of protecting the health and welfare of students, UF Health has implemented a new protocol for validating data gathered...

Engineering Student Reinvents Wheel

Sophomore engineering students Cody Sinclair and Marc Thompkins have broken ground with a brand-new invention. “You know the saying,...

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Study: FSU students talk about Gators more than UF students

Results from a recent study show that the average Florida State University student talks about the Gators significantly more than University of Florida students. “That...

Alumni Takes Out Loan for UF Giving Day

UF Giving Day is one of the most important days of the year for students and alumni. That’s why 2018 grad...

Student with severed limb diagnosed with cold by UF Infirmary

A highly qualified doctor at the University of Florida’s student infirmary checked the symptoms of a student who walked in after having his right...

BREAKING: Reitz Union votes to leave UF

After a recent poll, the residents of the Reitz Union have voted to leave the University of Florida. The results of the poll have shocked...

Freshman blacks out on Arizona iced tea

According to eyewitnesses at local PoliSci student Rebecca Morse’s house party, a freshman student reportedly got ‘blackout drunk’ on a .99 Arizona iced tea...

Senior forgets to take picture with Bull Gator, not allowed to graduate

One fewer Gator will be receiving their diploma during this spring’s graduation ceremony after a student made one tragic mistake this past week. Jennifer McMahey,...

SG Political Debate Derails Thanksgiving Dinner

UF freshman Jenna Laughlin knew the political debate was inevitable when she sat down to Thanksgiving dinner. “Especially in this political climate, debates should be...

Turlington Biker Fears No God, Rules, Or Masters

A sacrilegious bicycle rider known as the Turlington Biker has been terrorizing innocent people in Turlington Plaza. Students are cowering behind The Potato with bruised ankles...