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Final Exams Continue Despite Societal Collapse

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The University of Florida has announced that it will move forward with exam week despite the beams of society collapsing left and...
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Student Government Issues $12.00 Stimulus Check

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In response to mounting criticism over the fact that they have done nothing to address the impacts of the Covid-19 pandemic on...
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RA Attempts to Hold Floor Meeting Over Zoom

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Kimberly Martin, an RA in Broward Hall, recently attempted to hold a floor meeting for her residents over Zoom.After all of her...
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Gator Nights to Offer “Make Your Own Mask” Craft Station

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Due to recent events, the Gator Nights team has unveiled a new craft station that they’re sure will increase attendance. 
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UF Cancels Tampa Study Abroad Program

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The continued spread of coronavirus has resulted in the cancellation of yet another UF study abroad program. UF announced...
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Girl Takes Out Anger From Breakup On Peer-Reviewed Essay

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Ashley Price has grievances with her classmate Suzie Carroll after receiving a poor grade on a peer-reviewed essay. Price claims that Carroll...
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UF commits blood sacrifice to appease U.S. News and World Report ranking gods

The University of Florida has been steadily climbing the U.S. News and World Report rankings over the past few years, and this month, the...
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Freshman blacks out on Arizona iced tea

According to eyewitnesses at local PoliSci student Rebecca Morse’s house party, a freshman student reportedly got ‘blackout drunk’ on a .99 Arizona iced tea...
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Student with severed limb diagnosed with cold by UF Infirmary

A highly qualified doctor at the University of Florida’s student infirmary checked the symptoms of a student who walked in after having his right...
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Local dad makes billionth joke about Weed Science building

After years of being relentlessly mocked by faculty and passersby alike, The Institute of Food and Agricultural Science’s Weed Science building celebrated the telling of...
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Engineering student 3D prints first girlfriend

Senior engineering student Jordan Harris’ work propelled science to new heights today after he told some friends over coffee that they had successfully 3D...
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Turlington Biker Fears No God, Rules, Or Masters

A sacrilegious bicycle rider known as the Turlington Biker has been terrorizing innocent people in Turlington Plaza. Students are cowering behind The Potato with bruised ankles...
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An open letter to the Alligator: will you be my Valentine?

Hi Alligator, I know our past has been rocky and we have a host of differences. I don’t report on crimes, print every day, or...
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Engineering Master’s Student Unable to Change Flat Tire

Masters of Engineering student Johnathan Khaling was stranded for hours on Archer Road Thursday after the left front tire of his Toyota Camry ran...
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