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Plant Sentenced to Death on Dorm Windowsill

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A local coleus was selected from a UF plant drop, blissfully unaware that being handled by exploratory freshman Kendra Cotton is synonymous with certain...
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Ominous Broadcast Interrupts Homecoming Game

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Yesterday morning, the football stadium was ablaze in orange and blue colors as fans cheered and music played. Suddenly, silence fell as...
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Depressed Student Eats Subway Five Days in a Row

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A geology sophomore was recently spotted at the Rawlings Subway, the saddest Subway of them all, a full five days in a...
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Krishna Ditches Refills, Causes Local Recession

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The city of Gainesville has been consumed by a frenzy of unemployment, inflation and rising store prices after Krishna lunch ruled out...
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UF Health Requiring Students Verify Covid Status with Pinky Swear

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In the interest of protecting the health and welfare of students, UF Health has implemented a new protocol for validating data gathered...
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Engineering Student Reinvents Wheel

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Sophomore engineering students Cody Sinclair and Marc Thompkins have broken ground with a brand-new invention. “You know the saying,...
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Portal to Hell Found in Little Hall Bathroom

In news unsurprising to anyone who has ever entered a Little Hall bathroom, a demonic force has reportedly ripped open the fabric or space-time...
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Report: Construction workers just banging on stuff

The numerous construction sites around the University of Florida have been recently revealed to actually be just a bunch of dudes banging on stuff. The...
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Professor offers 1 word reply to student’s desperate 10 paragraph email

After a debaucherous night at Midtown, freshman political science major Nathan Cook awoke in a haze Thursday morning to discover that he had completely...
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UFPD Stops Underground Scooter Racing Ring

A UFPD spokesman announced that they had stopped a heinous crime ring this week, by exposing a gang of scooter racing deviants on campus. “We...
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Alumni Takes Out Loan for UF Giving Day

UF Giving Day is one of the most important days of the year for students and alumni. That’s why 2018 grad...
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Turlington Biker Fears No God, Rules, Or Masters

A sacrilegious bicycle rider known as the Turlington Biker has been terrorizing innocent people in Turlington Plaza. Students are cowering behind The Potato with bruised ankles...
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Mom’s Inspirational Gift Really Turns Semester Around

One Mom’s gift to her son at the University of Florida really seems to have made an impact on his semester, according to a...
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Turlington Finally Gets More Annoying Guy Than Preacher

After years of being the most abrasive character in Turlington Plaza, the PVC-pipe wielding preacher has finally been unseated by a guy with a...
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