In the interest of protecting the health and welfare of students, UF Health has implemented a new protocol for validating data gathered by Screen, Test & Protect. All students will now be required to verify their Covid-19 status with a pinky swear.
“Students and staff alike are expected to honor the sanctity and tradition of the pinky swear.”
Said Chief Administrative Officer Randall Rankin
“Of course… nothing really happens if you were to break it, but it would honestly really suck if you did.”
Students are now required to schedule weekly pinky swears through their ONE.UF portal. During the meeting, the student is to extend their pinky out to the pinky of a UF Health official and interlock them. The two must hold their gesture for 6 – 8 seconds for the results to go through. Another official will be present to confirm that neither party had their fingers crossed behind their back at the time of the swear.
“It’s refreshing to see UF finally treat us like we’re adults. It’s my health, my responsibility.”
Said UF Student Henry Evans
“Oh me? Yeah, I got tested. It was negative. I pinky swear.”
At press time, Henry Evans reported an inexplicable sore throat, a random fever, and an entirely unrelated loss of taste and smell.
Every student’s Covid-19 status will be subjected to standard pinky swear provisions: No “takesies backsies,” unless of course it’s your birthday. “Double pinky swears” are permitted. “Triple pink swears,” however, are not. And “Infinity pinky swears” are strictly prohibited. Students forfeit all rights to legal counsel in the case that any of these conditions are violated.
“The system works. It pays off to put trust in your students.”
Said UF Health President Catherine Harrell.
“Since implementing pinky swears, we’re thrilled to announce an unprecedented 0% Covid rate on campus.”
Following the success of the pinky swear, UF has decided to implement similar authentication systems throughout the school. For example, Honorlock proctors are now required to “double dog dare” their students not to cheat on their exam.