Uma

I use humor as a coping mechanism.

Depressed Student Eats Subway Five Days in a Row

A geology sophomore was recently spotted at the Rawlings Subway, the saddest Subway of them all, a full five days in a...

Honors Student Chokes to Death on Own Ego

Honors student and computer science freshman Emilia Emsworth recently passed away after she choked to death on her own ego.

Life-Changing Study Abroad Replaced With Crying in Childhood Bedroom

A visit to the Leaning Tower of Pisa has been replaced with eating pizza in bed at 4 a.m. Living amongst animals...

Girl Takes Out Anger From Breakup On Peer-Reviewed Essay

Ashley Price has grievances with her classmate Suzie Carroll after receiving a poor grade on a peer-reviewed essay. Price claims that Carroll...

Stranger in Marston Vows to Defend Laptop To His Dying Breath

A stranger has reportedly entrusted another stranger with the responsibility of defending their laptop against the thieving hands of other strangers in Marston Library. English...

Portal to Hell Found in Little Hall Bathroom

In news unsurprising to anyone who has ever entered a Little Hall bathroom, a demonic force has reportedly ripped open the fabric or space-time...

Turlington Biker Fears No God, Rules, Or Masters

A sacrilegious bicycle rider known as the Turlington Biker has been terrorizing innocent people in Turlington Plaza. Students are cowering behind The Potato with bruised ankles...

Freshmen Gather Around Steam Vent to Simulate the Warmth of a Mother’s Hug

A group of juniors-by-credits, known colloquially as freshmen, were spotted huddling around a steam vent with outstretched arms and tear-filled eyes.  “At first I thought it...