A local coleus was selected from a UF plant drop, blissfully unaware that being handled by exploratory freshman Kendra Cotton is synonymous with certain death.
The windowsill of Cotton’s room, located on the third floor of Jennings Hall, is decorated with a drowned succulent, the flaking brown remains of what was once a pansy, and a pot of dirt containing the unfertilized seed of a narcotic.
“I just have a natural green thumb, you know?”
“It’s tragic that plants only live for three days, but that’s what makes the time you spend with them so special!”
The amount of sunlight the average UF dorm receives is about 5% of what a living being needs to maintain internal balance, which explains a lot about the behavior of freshmen.
“Kendra is one of those people who never drinks water, so she just gives her plants Diet Coke and iced coffee,”
said psychology freshman and roommate Lily Pickett.
“She once gave her marigolds some soup from Broward Dining. The death was quick, so luckily it didn’t suffer much.”
Neighbors report that Cotton regularly sings TikTok songs to her windowsill garden, and Pickett claims that Cotton hired a self-proclaimed “Twitter witch,” a 13-year-old from Nebraska with an impressive rock collection, to give tarot card readings for her plants.
“People think taking care of plants is all about, like, actually remembering to water them,”
“But it’s so much more than that.”
Cotton is looking forward to moving into an apartment next fall, as she plans to adopt two cats, a hamster, a parrot, and a dog.
“I just know my pets will love me!” Cotton said.