A stranger has reportedly entrusted another stranger with the responsibility of defending their laptop against the thieving hands of other strangers in Marston Library.

English major Emily Tretter said she chose computer science major James Farley to be her lifelong defender.

“I was studying peacefully in the Marston basement, when I had to use the bathroom,” 

Tretter said, confirming that she does not believe West is best. 

“If my MacBook got stolen, it would be such a pain to replace all my RedBubble stickers. I needed a vigilante to help me out.”

Tretter said she normally asks people who are thirty-seconds away from leaving and visibly packing up their things to watch her belongings. But this time she knew Farley was the perfect person to ask, as he had “kind eyes” and “looked like a Capricorn.” (Sources confirm Farley is actually a Leo.)

“I never knew what my purpose in life would be, and I guess college really did help me find it,” 

Farley said, who reportedly missed his orgo exam to keep watch over Tretter’s laptop.  

“I will not let a single soul within a ten-foot radius of this computer. I will dedicate every waking second to guarding this machine, I will single-handedly destroy anyone who even glances in this direction and will resist the urge to blink so it will never leave my sight.”

Tretter reportedly responded, “Lit, thanks!”

When Tretter returned, her laptop was in perfect condition. In fact, Farley was so terrifying that other students were even forced to study in Newell Hall to avoid his screaming.

“James won’t let me touch my laptop, as he’s convinced an enemy is wearing my skin as a suit to challenge his loyalty,” 

Tretter said. 

“But I’m happy to know that my MacBook is in safe hands!”

Unfortunately, it was later reported that Farley’s phone and wallet were stolen by another student while he was distracted.