We have recently been informed that the fire alarms in the Reitz Union are finally confirmed to be in full working order.

The conclusion that the alarms were completely set up came after 48 straight hours of extensive testing by Reitz Union staff and questionably-sober construction workers.

“They had me pulling the alarm for at least 12 hours before I told them I needed a break,”

One construction worker told reporters.

Then they just put Terry on alarm duty.”

The 318 individual alarms have been periodically activated in the Reitz Union with only intermittent breaks of 1 to 30 seconds. The rapid flashing and beeping has caused students to react with paranoia inside the building.

“Don’t worry, this is just a test. No need to leave the building.”

A voice said over the PA.


It then said.

Many students are speculating that the real reason for the extensive alarm testing is part of a larger program.

I think they’re filming a reality TV show of students jumping at the siren,”

James Holt, a 2nd year Conspiracy major told reporters.

Other students have stated that they think the alarms are to scare off squirrels, shorten the line at Pollo Tropical, or test out the Reitz as a potential house at Halloween Horror Nights this year.

Next up for testing is the UF Alert system, which will test that it is functional by telling students that there is a dangerous criminal on campus.