GAINESVILLE – After the University of Florida’s most contested and vibrant election in the history of the school, a single party emerged victorious. Shortly after being given political authority, the first order of business the Anarchy Party instituted was burning the Reitz Union into a pile of ash.
“Quite frankly, I thought it was just part of the new renovations we’re doing” said construction work Frank Smith over the sound of screaming students and melting glass.
Damn thing’s been under construction since 1858. I didn’t know that it wasn’t planned by the company.
Students everywhere are happy that the results of the democratically conducted election ironically concluded that the Anarchy Party would be given power. To show his enthusiasm for this, sports mascot Albert the Alligator dyed his Mohawk purple, pierced his nose, and blogged about it.
Beginning tomorrow, the party will also institute a campus-wide dress code. Students are now required to get tattoos, to be displayed openly, and all clothing must be comprised of leather and chains. Additionally, students must also wear backpacks containing eyeliner, a single Molotov cocktail and a MacBook, paid for entirely by their parents.
“We were going to hold office hours in the Reitz, but then we burned it down” said President Steven “BloodStabber” Franklin.
We’re also thinking about moving them to the O’Connell center, but we’re pretty sure the orgy there isn’t going to end until Summer B.
“I’m sorry, but why are we not freaking out about this?” asked sophomore David Birke. “The entire campus smells like burning flesh, people are running around Turlington like headless chickens, President Fuchs is wearing nothing but a ball gag, and I’m pretty sure I saw a Jimmy John’s delivery guy obeying basic traffic laws.”
“But still, it could be worse”, Birke furthered.
We could get too caught up in petty politics all the time and never get anything accomplished.
