Florida head coach Jim McElwain has ascended to godhood after a monumental win against Ole Miss this Saturday.
McElwain, formerly a mere mortal, is now a demigod on the University of Florida campus. He has reportedly transcended the problems of man and football and reached an entirely new plane of existence.
To win is to be,”
Lord McElwain told groveling reporters as he was pleasured by multitudes of women and fed grapes fresh from the vine.
Reports indicate that McElwain has forgone the folly of man, no longer requiring sustenance to survive and instead feeding off of the unending admiration of the student body.
He has also been seen floating around campus emitting a faint glow or being carried on a throne made of Will Grier’s old jerseys.
He’s too majestic to look at,”
One unnamed UF student told reporters as he was turned to ash in McElwain’s presence.
McElwain achieved his omnipotent status by absorbing the power of lesser beings, namely Tennessee head coach Butch Jones and Ole Miss head coach Hugh Freeze. McElwain has personally slain each of them after the game and consumed their football knowledge.
McElwain is only growing stronger with each soul he devours. We have received reports claiming that his power is even seeping into Will Grier, who will soon ascend himself.
Contrary to our previous reports, there are none who doubt McElwain’s ascension and UF students unanimously agree that he is the one and only being that they look up to.
If left unchecked, a holy trinity of Tebow, McElwain, and Grier could form and take over all school activities.
“I pledge my full allegiance to Lord McElwain,”
Students recited on a rally on Sunday before performing their blood oath.
Only He can lead us to SEC greatness, and beyond.”
Praise be to McElwain, savior of Gator athletics and the University of Florida’s reputation.