GAINESVILLE, FL – This past Tuesday, a disaster other than broken reeds and ill-tuned pianos struck the Music Building at UF.
According to UFPD reports, Hazmat was released into the aged building due to “a strong odor of gas on the second floor.”
I was more worried about the termite-riddled roof collapsing on my head than about any old gas leak,”
Said Felix Glass, member of the Hazmat team.
The Music Building on campus is notorious for its moth-eaten carpet, unrealized love affairs between band kids, and poor acoustics but this hazard brings a new level of meaning to the word “decrepit.”
Although the appropriations committee was waiting for a hurricane to destroy the brick beast ‘pro bono’, the polo-clad committee may be forced to take matters out of nature’s hands.
“The problem isn’t repairing the building,”
Reported one committee member adamantly.
It’s about finding the culprit of this nasty gas leak. Rumor has it that he has buck teeth.”
Gripping his golf club and kicking a loose tuba to the side, the member added off-handedly, “Besides, buildings such as Heavener and Carleton are in the direst need of funding. They’re absolutely inhabitable.”
Every day, talented musicians stumble out of the building covered in dust, mold, and depression. “It’s just terrible,” cried Laney Grant, freshman music major. “My fingers are covered in paper cuts because the lighting is awful. I can’t see my music or even use Bath & Body Works hand sanitizer anymore!”
Even with gas floating around like Nearly Headless Nick and students being assaulted by their own music, UF refuses to budge.
Only anarchy, the resurrection of Mozart, or the total collapse of a stairway onto a clarinetist is likely to change the grim fate of the musical antique.