Teacher makes final exam cumulative, “better watch her back”

GAINESVILLE — First-year anthropology professor Ms. Stevenson has reportedly given last-minute confirmation via email her final exam will, in fact, be cumulative. According to sources close to the story, it will mostly cover obscure materials from the beginning of the semester that no one actually remembers learning.

Ms. Stevenson also allegedly made sure to be as vague and misleading as possible when detailing what topics will ultimately be included.

The exam is scheduled to take place Friday at 7:30 a.m., and will likely be “way the heck across campus.”

The Crocodile caught up with some of Ms. Stevenson’s students to gauge the general morale of the class, and it doesn’t look too good for the usually cheerful first-time teacher.

Charlie Manson, a third-year journalism major who merely took the course to maintain his GPA and complete the rest of his general education requirements, apparently plans to forgo attempts to study. He will instead mastermind “a good old-fashioned vendetta on ol’ Ms. Stephenson.”

“I’m gonna follow her home and memorize the layout of her house!” Manson said maniacally. “She won’t know what hit her… in the HEAD with a SHOVEL!”

Teresa Bundy, a fourth-year sociology major genuinely interested in the class, intends on studying for and passing Friday’s exam. However, she too has been concocting ways to make Ms. Stephenson painfully rue the day she made her exam cumulative.

“I’ve been watching a lot of sci-fi lately,” Bundy said. “I always thought it would be fun to chloroform someone and probe their insides with outdated medical tools.

It’s not set in stone or anything, but this might be the year I actually go through with it.”

In fact, 29 of the 30 students polled from the anthropology class admitted to at least thinking about ways to ambush their teacher. Some involved classic methods like alley-way muggings, while others took a more medieval taste.

“I built this guillotine in my shop class, and at first I didn’t think I’d ever find a use for it,” third-year construction management major Jerry Wilkes Booth said.

“But then I heard the exam was cumulative, which was NOT in the syllabus, and a wave of darkness came upon me.”

Because we at the Crocodile don’t believe in interfering with the news, we won’t blow our sources’ covers or attempt to stop them in any way. Some words of advice to Ms. Stephenson, however: “You better watch your back.”