A recent study by stdcheck.com indicated that Florida State University ranked third in the nation for Sexually Transmitted Disease incidents. As acceptance season comes to a close across universities all over the nation, one young student is beyond excited to hear this news, and is ready begin her undergraduate career at the Florida State University.
“Yeah, I’m just really excited to be a ‘Nole!” said 18 year old Syphilis. “I’m not sure exactly what I’m going to study yet! Maybe anatomy or chemistry. I do know one thing though,” she furthered,
I’m definitely going to go Greek.”
Not only underclassmen were excited to hear the news though. Soon-to-graduate upperclassmen are proud of the legacy they’ve left behind.
We are honored and humbled to have received the bronze medal in STDs,”
said one FSU senior who wished to remain unnamed.
Even popular University figureheads are swept up in the problem. With complete ignorance from the university, it’s been reported that Winston is spearheading the “F*ck Her Right in the P*ssy” campaign, which is dedicated to promoting promiscuity amongst students in order to increase the amount of STD’s transferred on campus. To show his dedication to the cause, Winston has been caught stealing crabs from a toilet seat of a Tallahassee Publix.
While pretentiously smug University of Florida students scorn at their northern neighbors, Syphilis’s older cousin, Chlamydia, a UF junior, can regularly be found hanging out at midtown.
“Yeah for some reason I just really love Balls” said Syphilis, while drunkenly attempting to wink at a table of nearby bros who she knew all too well.
Something about this place feels right. They play the best music here, and I dance so much that I always leave Balls sore.”