GAINESVILLE, FL – Awaking from an eventful and alcohol-fueled St. Patrick’s Day in her one-night stand’s apartment, student Camilla Toher this morning came to the sobering realization that the man she slept with last night might not have actually come from Celtic ancestry.
Gradually wooed by the man, who was clad in a green “Kiss me, I’m Irish shirt,” Camilla was overcome by her raw, unbridled passion for people from Ireland. She eventually took the so-called “Stephen C. O’Connell” back to his apartment for a late-night romp.
However, upon awakening this morning, Toher discovered two flags on her fling’s ceiling: British and Italian. As she peered around the otherwise unkempt room, various trinkets like red hair dye and “I hate the Irish” coffee mugs began to tip her off that perhaps this gentleman hailed from neither the Republic of Ireland nor Northern Ireland.
“I was crushed at first,” Toher told reporters at press time.
I slept with this guy on the sole notion that he was Irish. That was the selling point.”
The alleged “O’Connell” was soon discovered by Toher to be Thomas Vieri, a student of both Italian and British heritage. Vieri, stumbling half-drunk out of the shower with red hair dye running down his face, found Toher in a blind rage, furiously gathering all of her belongings.
“This can’t be happening,” Toher allegedly seethed through clenched teeth.
I would have never had sex with you if I had known that you weren’t actually a descendant of Gaelic ancestry!”
Toher was visibly choked up at press time, crying that she had thought his accent was “spot on.”