Remaining cheerfully ignorant of the morbid reality that surrounds him, pseudo-UF student Kyle Rickenbacher expressed to reporters on Monday general happiness with the Innovation Academy program.
This is awesome!
Rickenbacher told reporters. “We get to be here for the Spring and Summer, and they’ve got all kinds of real useful perks for us that make us unlike literally every other student at this school. And employers look for that. It’s all in the brochure.” Rickenbacher is one of many students living in seemingly perpetual blindness to the true horrors of the cruel world around them. “I’m so excited,” a freshman named Virginia Garrett told reporters at press time.
I just moved into Beaty Towers and we’re all living in the same place, with no students in the normal college around. It’s like our own little private school!
Bearing what looked to be honest-to-God smiles walking in on move-in day to Beaty Towers, IA students unpacked their bags and said their goodbyes to their parents this Spring semester. Reporters stumbled upon a disheveled-looking man by the name of Max Alexander sitting behind Beaty Towers. Alexander was noticeably unshaven and smelled of malt liquor.
“Why did I check that box,” Alexander lamented to reporters upon their discovery of him.
It was just one box… One f**king box!
Eventually reporters left as Alexander curled into the fetal position, weeping that “I just want to go to one football game. Just one.”