In response to the announcement by the World Health Organization last week that bacon causes cancer, the University of Florida has decided to remove bacon from its dining halls.
We did what we had to do to protect the students at the University of Florida,”
Said Karen Durnam, a representative of the university’s dining facilities.
“We took bacon off the menu, but we will continue to provide students with alternative — yet equally as fatty and potentially harmful foods.”
Some students are in fear of starvation due to the already slim options offered at the dining halls and ramen noodles being their only other source of nutrients, and are taking action against UF’s controversial choice.
“I don’t understand why they’re even doing anything about this,”
Said Matt Manfer, a sophomore English student.
“The UFPD hasn’t done anything except give out parking tickets, but when it comes to bacon they think it’s important now to ensure our safety?”
UF dining employees, however, are proud to work for a university that has never put its students at risk. Tanya Jones, a Gator Corner Dining employee, says that the dining halls are some of the safest in the country.
Whatever we serve to the students here doesn’t have a trace of bacon in it,”
Jones said.
Upon further investigation by Crocodile reporters, it was determined that the “bacon” served to the students during breakfast truly did not contain a trace of authentic bacon. Even the omelets, which students frequently turn to when they cannot find other appealing food items, do not contain even a small amount of egg or protein.
“I honestly don’t know what our food is made from,”
Jones said.
“What I do know is that if any other tasty food is said to cause cancer, students can rest easy knowing that there’s a 100 percent chance they won’t be eating it here.”
Luckily, the dining halls will still provide cold cheese pizza to hungry students on the meal plan.