The recent rebirth of the famed Pumpkin Spice Latte has been cut short this fall at the Marston Science Library Starbucks.
The usual line of patrons was nowhere to be found last Thursday around lunchtime, after the working barista announced that the supply of pumpkin spice had ran dry.
Officer Shelly Williams of the UFPD C.S.I. unit agreed to speak with us about the ongoing investigation.
All we could come up with was what appeared to be remnants of shattered glass, traced back to at least a dozen gold iPhone 6’s. UF’s Network Services team also noted a strange spike in Pinterest and Instagram traffic”
All that remained of Starbucks’ stock Thursday was a strange jar of brown beans that nobody knew what to do with. Upon brewing, they produced a bitter liquid, that tasted nothing of pumpkin, cinnamon, or high fructose corn syrup. White girls were heard complaining about how few “likes” the drinks were getting.
Some even threatened to delete their photos.
We reached out to some would-be patrons found texting outside the location.
OH MY GOD Marston is the worst library ever!”
stated Becca Stevens, sophomore, communications major.
“I needed to charge my iPhone and talk to my friends about next week’s formal on the fourth floor, but now what’s even the point? I’m not gonna go somewhere where what I’m drinking isn’t going to get me as good of a followers-to-following ratio as Christa.”
We were later told that Aramark, provider of UF’s dining services, has pushed their South American child labor to levels in order to meet the demand of the artificially flavored beverages.