Police responded to a call early this morning that a lost and emaciated freshman had been found in Turlington Hall. According to the report, the call was made after a maintenance worker, Mike Buley, 41, discovered a student fast asleep under a desk in one of the many classrooms in the building. Our sources reported that the aforementioned student, Annie Daley, Freshman, was found healthy, though clearly had been wandering the labyrinth of halls for many days inside University of Florida’s infamously confusing structure.
I knew right away what had happened,”
claimed Buley.
“Once I saw her UF19 shirt and preview lanyard I realized she must have been in here for days. Those poor freshman can never find their way out of here, even with their danged campus maps.”
Daley was taken back to her dorm in Beaty Towers by authorities after being prescribed a bottle of blue Gatorade, and was given confirmed absence from her classes which included What is the Good Life, Man’s Food, Statistics and American History from 1877. After she had recovered enough to speak, Annie relayed her horrifying story to our reporters:
I was walking to my first Good Life discussion when I saw the elevators and thought I would avoid the heat. But as soon as I got to the upper level I realized I had made a horrible mistake,”
she mourned,
“I just couldn’t find the exit anywhere. I even tried to call my preview staffer because he said he would always be there for me, but it said the number was invalid.”
Fortunately, Annie’s story ended positively. In an attempt to help prevent such a situation from ever happening again, she informed us that she will be posting in the Class of 2019 asking if anyone wanted to meet up to walk to class together.