With East Carolina University making a visit to the Swamp, freshman Matt Parker realized he gets a repeat of the most bomb-ass Saturday of his life by being able to get completely trashed again.
“Wait, are you telling me there’s a football game every Saturday?” Parker said.
I’m going to do shots for every home run the quarterback kicks!”
Parker, who had never watched a sporting event in his life, found the New Mexico State game refreshing for his lackluster party life. Before the game started, he pre-gamed at a tailgate, playing flip cup for the first time.
“He’d have done better if he hadn’t tried to snapchat every flip saying ‘look at da flicka da wrist,” said one of his teammates in retrospect.
Eight Natty Ices and half a bottle of Jack in, Parker stumbled up to Ben Hill Griffin Stadium but was disappointed when he discovered he had to purchase a ticket to watch the game. Disgruntled, he roamed around the street in search of a place to watch the game.
“I couldn’t find a TV, but I did find this super cool bus, I just smashed a window and found all of this cool stuff, it was awesome,” Parker said. “I wish I could remember where I put it though.”
Now, with the Gators set to take on ECU, Parker has prepared by crafting tweets like “ECU sux” and “More like East Carolina Butt Pirates!”
GATOR BAIT!”
Parker randomly screamed during an interview. After realizing he had annoyed everyone in his immediate surroundings, Parker defended himself. “Sorry I have pride for my school, Jesus.”
When asked about his plans for the ECU game, Parker explained that he’ll have to wait until the certain-victory party to get shitfaced.
“My parents want to come watch a game, and a couple of super cool bros sold me their student tickets really cheap,” Parker said. “There’ll be time to party after the final out is made!”