In his first big action as president of the University of Florida, Kent Fuchs, UF’s newly installed president, has announced a complete and total overhaul of the Gainesville public transit system.
“Each bus route, instead of having a number attached to it, will have a badass monster truck name. For instance, the Fraternity Row bus, the 120, will henceforth be known as ‘Swamp Gas,’” Fuchs told reporters at press time.
Other names that have already been determined include ‘Fuchs You Up,’ ‘Gator Goon,’ and ‘Aaron Hernandez.’
The school has invested an estimated total of $10 million in the total overhaul, UF’s financial department reports. The costs will include giant tires, custom paint jobs, huge loudspeakers placed along the school’s major roads to blare hard rock and country music, and complimentary methamphetamine handouts for students riding the bus for the first time.
The announcement comes after a long string of student complaints concerning the perceived inefficiency of the bus system. Student Jeff Womach, a junior majoring in computer engineering, had positive words about the new plan.
I used to wait 20, maybe even 30 minutes to pick up a damn bus,
said Womach. “It used to drive me nuts! Students are on tight schedules! But now, I don’t really care that I have to wait a little longer, because I pull up to Good Life in one of these!”
In addition, instead of the conventional route that traverses the roads around Turlington, the new typical bus route now has buses plowing through Turlington, leaving a trail of destruction and badassery behind them. Students are encouraged to risk life and limb for the thrill of outrunning a goliath automobile in what’s now being called the “Square of Death.”
Bus drivers have already begun to submit applications to name their new hulking rigs, and the application period will be open until two weeks from last Monday, at which point Fuchs plans to contact UF NORML to name the rest of the buses.