Growing up in high school, Nicholas Saban had it rough. Constantly plagued by commitment issues, he just couldn’t seem to keep people around. Walking the halls all alone, he would silently envy the beloved Jimmy McElwain, a cool walkin’, mean talkin’ sonavagun who constantly fought off hoards of people eager to earn his friendship.
Years later, it looks like nothing’s changed. After an already dominant week for recruitment, Florida Gators Head Coach Jim McElwain has stolen yet another previously committed athlete from the hands of Nick Saban.
Word broke late Tuesday night that Eddy Piniero, the nation’s top-ranked kicking prospect, has reversed his decision to play for the Alabama Crimson Tide and will instead bring his golden boot to Gainesville.
But it doesn’t end there.
After seeing the immediate praise that he received for stealing such a high-valued athlete, McElwain didn’t hesitate to make another risky steal.
I drove straight on up to Tuscaloosa, barged through the front door of the Saban household and planted a fat ole smooch right on Mrs. Saban herself,”
McElwain boasted.
“What did I have to lose? Absolutely nothing. And you know what? She loved it.”
Reports claim that Mrs. Saban was seen in the passenger seat of McElwain’s car, taking selfies with the Gators head coach and later eating Cuban sandwiches.
“I’ve had enough of him. He ruined high school for me, and now he steals my kicker AND my wife? What’s next? My multi-million dollar mansion that was granted to me by the NCAA™?”
Saban said through tears.
After the impressive pick-up, most of the Gator Nation seemed grateful for the many fruitful actions of Coach McElwain. Of course, there’s always room for a few dissenters.
I don’t really get what’s so special about this new Piniero guy. A 77-yd field goal? Try missing 3 extra points in 1 game,”
said former Gators kicker Austin Hardin.
UPDATE: Reports have recently come in that McElwain was spotted picking up Saban’s children from school and taking them out for ice cream.