GAINESVILLE, Fla. — In a press conference held yesterday morning, the former University of Florida head football coach Will Muschamp said that he will undergo an “experimental facial substitution surgery” as a last-ditch effort to escape the incessant avalanche of criticism and frustration that has been suffocating him for the last two seasons.
Muschamp’s four-year tenure at UF began well enough, but the latter half has been one huge disappointment after another. Muschamp acknowledges his own shortcomings and understands the way of the business, and he wants more than anything to cut all ties with football and live a life of obscurity.
“Striving to achieve a daunting standard of excellence while having your life on transmission takes a lot out of you,” Muschamp said.
“I desperately need a new beginning, but first, I need a new face.”
The highly dangerous and cutting-edge operation will take place in a secret, independent research clinic located somewhere underground.
“He might die immediately”,
admitted Robert Connor, chief surgeon. In order to ensure that Muschamp’s new identity remains completely anonymous, on the day of the procedure, every clinic staff member will be thoroughly blindfolded and have their memories erased Men in Black style.
“It’s gonna be tricky”, Connor said, “but money talks, man.”
Muschamp told reporters that he was “tired of being booed and heckled,” and that the last time he was burned in effigy on his front lawn was too far. He misses the spoils of success he once took for granted, such as openly walking through campus and enjoying Krishna music without students throwing the vegan food at him.
Until the surgery occurs, Muschamp said the only thing on his mind will be finishing the season strong for his team.
“We have to focus on our next two games, not my pending face-swap,”
Muschamp said.