A University of Florida student has reported extreme discontent over the outcomes of this year’s “crush parties.”
Mindy Page, 20, reportedly attended the crush parties for all 24 Interfraternity Council fraternities in hopes of finding a “crush,” however was highly disappointed with her unchanged relationship status at the end of this year’s crush party season.
“Well I just think it’s like, fake advertisement.”
Page said.
“All the guys did was compliment each other on their Hawaiian shirts and push each other around.”
Page revealed her intentions in attending the crush parties was to find a semi-formal date and a husband, in that order.
However, the sophomore informed us that the brothers’ goals were far from hers.
“One guy asked if I could spot him money for Relish.”
Mindy said.
According to Mindy, a newly admitted freshman also supposedly underwent cardiac arrest after becoming overexcited due to being admitted into a party for the first time since summer B (Crocodile reporters are awaiting confirmation on this from Grog).
In addition to not finding a suitable life partner, Mindy revealed that she has now been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder over the song “Black Beatles” due to hearing it at full volume repeatedly over the course of the past two months.
Although Mindy’s crush party season this year proved unsuccessful, she reassures us that she plans on attending Library West in further pursuit of a semi-formal date, and Marston Library for a husband.
“One time I grazed hands with a guy when we both reached for the same power outlet,”
Page said.
“That’s more progress than I’ve made than on the dance floor with 96 brothers.”
Page’s library crush was unavailable for an interview but said that he found it “way too clingy” when she invited him to Hub Chick – Fil – A twice in the same week.