While a mystery criminal has been terrorizing campus with acts of indecent exposure and serial urination, new reports reveal that the University of Florida is, and has been, simultaneously pissing on every single student for years.

“I had first realized UF was pissing on me when I had to enroll for Good Life freshman year,”

stated Van Johnson, an Accounting sophomore. “I wasn’t convinced until a few weeks into Fall semester, when I realized how awful the meal plan really was.” Other students described similar feelings.

“The icing on the cake was when three full buses passed me on the first day of classes this spring,” recalled Sarah Lyttle, an English junior. Lyttle continued to discuss her issues with parking. “I paid over $150 for a parking decal that I can never use due to limited spaces, and now the buses won’t even stop for me?”

Victims had previously described the attacker as a “2,000-acre, Florida public research university.” Although at first the number of students speaking out was a mere trickle, allegations against UF are now arriving in a full stream. It is still unclear how the University plans on addressing the situation. When asked for a statement, the University of Florida refrained from commenting.