After incessantly emailing and advertising for months, UF’s presidential search committee still cannot find anyone interested in succeeding Bernie Machen. The committee developed a list of qualities that they need to see in the next president: “integrity, intellect, communication skills, a connection to the Gator Nation, ethical judgment, white, Christian, male, straight, and having a height in the highest quartile.” Gilgamesh Gray, Chairman of the Board of Trustees, believes this list may be too limiting.

We will throw away some of the less important categories, such as integrity and ethical judgment, in order to increase the number of eligible people,

he said. “Our current president doesn’t have either of these two qualities anyways.”

Limiting the required qualities, however, may not be enough, so the committee is considering adding a $100,000 bonus. Currently, Machen makes a meager $750,000. Giorgio Ludiano, an employee at Pita Pit, says he was contacted by the committee, but told them he wasn’t particularly interested unless they offered at least 1 million or 2. If anyone is willing to serve as 12th president of UF, please send a resume and writing sample to the search committee, or just stop by their booth at Turlington. To encourage applications, whoever assumes the position of UF president will receive three credit hours from the university.