The cause of the upper respiratory viral infection sweeping University of Florida campus has been linked to a GatorWell marketing strategy gone horribly wrong.
Thanks to low interest during preview, GatorWell decided the best way to increase their pervasiveness on campus would be to draw a crowd to the infirmary. They partnered with the Microbiology Department to create a strain of virus that would simulate the common cold.
“We toyed with the idea of handing out more free condoms around campus, but that takes a lot of work,” stated Jacob Lind, GatorWell representative. “We came to the conclusion that we should just make the students come to us.”
Symptoms that began with a mere tickly throat, GatorWell’s original intent, have evolved into something much more drastic. The so-called “UF Plague” has students waiting for hours at the infirmary, only to be told there’s nothing that can be done.
“Yeah, it’s a viral infection, so the only thing we can prescribe is rest and fluids,”
Lind said. “On the bright side, we have been giving out loads of free Gatorade and tissues! Go GatorWell!”
Students infected with the Gatorwell virus have recently began to show additional mysterious symptoms such as severe weight loss and bleeding around the eyes. Please email email@example.com if you experience these symptoms.