The University of Florida has located a missing shipment of Gatoraderall™ after a week of searching. The thirteen barrels, discovered in the parking lot of the Campus Kangaroo, had previously been mistaken for kegs of Natty Light. UFPD helped locate the miracle drink, pronounced Gator·āder·all™, which had been accidentally delivered to the convenience store.
UF tradition mandates that a batch of Gatoraderall™ be delivered to the Weed Science Building on the first reading day of each semester. The practice dates back to the ’80s, when Gatoraderall™ was invented to heighten students’ focus, eliminate procrastinate, and prevent dehydration.
Tensions among sober UF students have been high, as they wonder whether they will have to rely on intelligence or memory to pass their classes. Jeff Smart, a junior food science and human nutrition major, said preparing for finals without his share of the drug-laced drink has been difficult.
“I actually found a place to sit in Norman Hall, but then I just stared at my phone until I got tired,” said Jeff Smart, who isn’t living up to his family name. “It wasn’t even on.”
UFPD is convinced the chalky, white residue on the barrels and the lack of identification led delivery workers to assume they were kegs of cheap beer.
When asked why the barrels were marked only with a sticker that read “Non-Hazardous Waste,” a Gatoraderall™ spokesperson said it was done to disguise their value, discourage theft, and explain their pain-inducing odor.
“The original Gatorade pairs so well with Adderall,” said the spokesperson, who refused to give us her name. “And there’s no prescription, so forget about those silly dosage recommendations.”
Students were relieved when they received a UF Alert that UFPD had actually managed to find the shipment. They’re expected to celebrate by cramming into Newell Hall and binge-drinking the miracle liquid before the remaining exams.