The University of Florida bookstore has confirmed the first annual re-stocking of tear-resistant tissues, just in time for sales before finals week.
Once students’ return from Thanksgiving break, they will be able to purchase this groundbreaking technology for only $29.99 per pack, and inside the pack they will also receive a one-dollar off coupon for a stuffed animal gator.
“Although for most of the year we rely on sales of last-minute blue books and overpriced granola bars,”
Said Jennifer Lillie, Assistant Manager of Merchandise Marketing.
“But this time of year those tissues are the only things that sell faster than Red Bull.”
The masterminds behind the product are also the creators of Gatorade, and supposedly lovebugs. The two-ply tissues are created out of the same material as North Face jackets, and can repel up to two cups of water, coffee or any variety of bodily fluids.
The usual spike in sales coincides precisely with finals week. Final exams are known to induce intense emotional breakdowns and the spillage of various substances in exhibits of panic and rage.
“I can’t wait to no longer be bothered by my tears when cramming for my chem exams,”
Said pre-med student Kendall Johnston.
“Now when I’m halfway through 20 lecture notes at 2 a.m. I at least don’t have to worry about my makeup running!”
The tear-resistant tissues are also projected to be for sale during sorority recruitment in the fall, and at all financial aid offices.
In addition to being sold at the UF Bookstore, the tissues will also be available in vending machines at Marston Library and Library West.
“I went through at least 4 packs of these last year,”
Said Johnston.
“Plus you wouldn’t believe the wonders they do with my stress sweat!”
The Heavener school of business plans to copyright the product and begin selling it to other Universities in the country, except for schools like FSU where no one really studies.
