A new study conducted by the National Board of Disregarding Convocation (NBD for short) has provided some insight as to why students who skip UF Convocation ultimately end up as huge failures.
While most students were aware that skipping such a landmark ceremony was a sure sign of failure later in life, many did not know exactly why that was true.
“You see, information disseminated during Convocation ceremonies simply cannot be replicated,”
Sophomore UF student and head of NBD told reporters.
“If you miss this, you’re basically missing college entirely.”
This year’s ceremony is especially important, as faculty have set “Higher Expectations” for the class of 2020. The skits are set to be better than ever, and the open air environment of the stadium is surely not going to cause any problems due to inclement weather.
“We want more than this class’ hindsight to be 2020,”
Said Kathy Dunham, Convocation organizer.
“We want it to be like…2 million and 20?”
The lineup for this convocation is allegedly bigger than Big Orange, which is already “pretty big for an orange.” The ceremony will have fan favorites like skits and guest speakers, but also have performances by Tupac’s hologram and an inspirational message from some guy with more credentials than you’ll ever have.
Despite the list of reasons to attend Convocation, some past students have still chosen to skip. We found one of these students, UF super senior Stanley Brown, living under Norman tunnel and surviving off of scraps from the Broward Dining dumpster.
“I thought I was different…I thought I was too cool to go…”
Brown said in between labored breaths.
“Little did I know that skipping Convocation has set me on a path of total academic and social destruction.”
Brown then promptly passed out on a bed of books labeled “A School for my Village,” which he clearly hadn’t read.