In mid-January Sophomore Chris Gutierrez decided that he could postpone his workouts until later on in the year, when he could finally get the summer body he had been dreaming of. Then suddenly it was the middle of June and Gutierrez had gained 15 pounds.
“I don’t know what happened. I drank twice the amount of protein shakes that the athletes drink!”
He then tried a different strategy altogether, but quickly realized that buying swim trunks two sizes too big wasn’t making him look any fitter.
“The assistant manager at TJ Maxx pulled me aside and told me the store only had silly mirrors. So I guess I didn’t actually look good in those XXL swim trunks.”
Said Gutierrez, who at this point had very little hope of saying “suns out guns out” to everyone on the beach.
The next day, the Gainesville weather dipped below 70 degrees in what would be a defining moment on Gutierrez’s good looks.
“I quickly noticed I look a lot better with my dark gray North Face windbreaker and ski pants on.”
With summer quickly approaching, Gutierrez knew his best shot at having a great summer body was to have it entirely covered up with multiple layers at all times but knew it would be difficult with the global warming affecting Gainesville during the summer.
“Meteorology really confuses me, but I’m understanding that it’ll probably be an average of 97 degrees during the summer.”
“I guess that’s probably too hot to wear a parka to cover my beer gut.”
Gutierrez’s spirits remained high as did the temperature. Even though the windbreaker was soaked from his sweat, there was no way he was changing his hot Eskimo look.
“You could see the body odor off that windbreaker like stink lines in a cartoon.”
Said Ronald Abernoff, the usual smelly kid on the bus.
Gutierrez said he still feels like he can do summer activities even though he’s dressed for the next ice age, and has been seen at least 3 times a week at the Oaks Mall which is well known for being kept at a crisp 52 degrees all year round.
Update: Gutierrez has reported that he has finally reached his summer body goal of losing 30 pounds from sweating through his windbreaker, though he also reported that he has been legally ordered by the school to take a shower.