Protests Errupt After Professor Admits “The Good Life” Doesn’t Exist


Freshman are taking to the streets in protest after a professor’s disturbing comments concerning everyone’s least favorite class. The students claim the class has lost what little purpose it had, and are demanding the university reimburse them for overpriced Smokin’ Notes.

Last week, Sydney Hartha, an overachieving freshman, went to office hours to ask about an assignment worth 1% of the final grade. Her professor, Dr. Goodlife, was so thankful that a student visited him that he let her in on a university secret: The Good Life doesn’t exist.

“Of course it doesn’t,” Dr. Goodlife told our reporters. “I have a doctorate and I’m stuck here lecturing a bunch of 18-year-olds while they scroll through Facebook. Does that sound like the Good Life to you?”

Rumors of the revelation spread and student took to Turlington to voice their anger. Protesters held handmade signs with phrases like “Siddhartha sux” and “End our suffering”. Those students trying to get through Turlington Plaza had to contend with screaming freshmen and the occasional flying tomato.

“This institution is taking advantage of our naivety for capitalistic gains,” said Audrey Feissman. “And also I hate morning classes, so this really blows.”

The protest’s main goal is to uncover why such a meaningless class is required. Students are also questioning when the university found out the Good Life didn’t exist, and why they kept that information from students.

In response to concerns, President Fuchs spent a day sitting in on classes hoping to find the meaning of life.

“I was appalled at the lack of specificity and relevance in the lectures I witnessed,” said Fuchs in an official statement. “That’s why I’ve decided the class will no longer be required for freshman.”

Grieving students, who took the class for nothing, are advised to visit the Counseling and Wellness Center. Upon finding out it’s overbooked, we recommend eating away your sadness at Broward Dining.


Protests Errupt After Professor Admits “The Good Life” Doesn’t Exist

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