Patric Young, star University of Florida center, recently cited The Crocodile as the inspiration for his athletic success. The Gators are ranked as the number one seed this year despite having players besides Patric. Coming off of a win in the SEC championship, fans knew that the Gators were destined for greatness. But long before they were convinced, Crocodile physical trainers were hired after the Elite Eight loss to Michigan last season to ensure a better performance. They brought with them the vast knowledge of exercise that a job at the finest newspaper at UF can provide.

Utilizing dozens of gallons of Gatorade a day, the Crocodile staff were able to help Young grow to the incredible 6’9” he is today. In fact, Young was only 4’11” before his exclusive training; yep, officially a midget. Other proprietary Crocodile exercises, including “throwing basketballs” and the infamous “dunkin’ (donuts)” workouts, were also used to transform the Young freshman into the mature senior he is today. He had the following to say:

I have no idea where I would be without the invaluable assistance of the top notch Crocodile trainers. I truly consider them a part of the team.

Young’s success in the post-season is ongoing. The Gators have been consistently winning games despite them all being close calls. Is this a coincidence? No. Undercover Crocodile agents have been secretly rigging every University of Florida men’s basketball game. That buzzer-beater just missed by FSU? That was us. The Kentucky player tripping in the last second of the SEC Championship? Us.

So before admiring the extremely fit and dedicated athletes of the basketball team, consider admiring the extremely knowledgeable and handsome reporters of the Crocodile instead.

The Crocodile has accomplished what I couldn’t; turning a team full of loser midgets into the winners you see today.

– Billy Donovan, Head Coach