Marston Pissed It’s Not 24/7, Self-Destructs

The long-standing UF library feud might have finally reached its tipping point. Known as the more “sensitive” of the study spaces on campus, Marston isn’t taking the lack of attention from student government well. Now, Marston appears to have completely given up.
“Making Newell Hall 24/7 was a slap in the facade but making Library West also 24/7 just re-opened an old wound,” Marston said.
When UF Student Body President Ian Green announced SG approved a reserve transfer to make Library West 24/7 last week Marston knew it needed to act quickly.
“I took wads of the new 2-ply toilet paper and clogged my toilets. Freshmen working on group projects were literally standing in my tears,” Marston said.
But even that didn’t get Marston the sympathy it deserved. So on Sunday it literally turned up the heat by sabotaging its own air conditioning unit.
Marston Librarian Kim Tapper believes that the library is going through a mental breakdown. Tapper has booked Marston a visit from the staff of the Counseling and Wellness center, adding the library to the end of their waiting list. She’s fearful of what Marston might do in the meantime, especially since Library West is scheduled to resume 24/7 hours on Tuesday.
Even dedicated #TeamMarston students are beginning to view Marston’s desperate attention-seeking acts as childish. Jake Williams, a senior studying chemical engineering, says if there is one more issue he might just have to convert to a different study space.
“I heard the Marston walls growl at me when I complained about the lack of outlets… guess I’ll try out Norman Library,” Williams said.
Marston has been using its Twitter account to make threats and complain about the situation. So far, it’s threatened to cut off the Wi-fi and record a podcast listing the reasons why it’s the best library. Based on its past misbehavior, students and staff are convinced that it will act on these threats, or worse.

Marston Pissed It’s Not 24/7, Self-Destructs

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