Correspondents from the UF Library System made a shocking announcement this week, revealing that the historic but little known Library East will be torn down.

Rebecka Smirle, Head of Library Awareness, said that Library East receives approximately 126% less student visitors than its sister, Library West. This percentage actually represents a negative number of visitors, because Smirle said that the few who do spend their downtime in the smaller library appear to be ghosts, which may also be part of the reason it isn’t exactly appealing.

“It is really a shame we have to knock down such a beautiful building,”

Smirle said.

“But we took a vote, and 98% of students didn’t know what it was and 99.8% voted to knock it down for a 3 story Chick-Fil-A.”

The UF Library System was fortunate to be able to find a substitute for Library East, which housed thousands of rare historic documents and collectible novels. Smirle said that they plan to install a single iPad in the new building, which should contain pretty much any information you could have found in the library.

“I’ve always wondered if they knew we could look up pretty much anything in there on the internet,”

Said junior English major Alyssa McKills.

“I just assumed they kept it open because it was actually a secret faculty lounge, or a lost bet.”

They plan to bulldoze the building within the month, if they are able to convince the librarian who has worked there for 86 years to finally leave. It will be a sad occasion for many, excluding most of the students, Smirle said.

“If only they had listened to me when I suggested we install nap pods, maybe we would still have our beloved Library East.”