GAINESVILLE, FL—As if summers in Gainesville needed more reasons to be depressing, the stories of lonely, forgotten birthdays of summer students have recently come to light. It is well known that the Gainesville population during summer is .01% of its usual capacity, but the emotional effects are just starting to be studied.

“Students are seriously affected by the lack of other young people during summer,”

Said Adeline Waters, professor of behavioral psychology.

“They get pretty weird.”

Waters is one of many investigating the fact that most summer students will interact more with their Pearson lab instructor all semester than any friends.  However, it isn’t just students retreating into their air conditioned caves of isolation and occasional that has Waters worried.

Waters also believes that students with summer birthdays receive the most psychological damage. Especially if the student is a freshman, they will most likely spend their birthday weeping in their dorm room while watching pre-recorded lectures.

“I can’t think about my 19th birthday without shuddering,”

Said Macy Blanc, a current senior whose unfortunate birthday falls on May 19th.

Blanc spent the evening watching Dirty Dancing, eating smuggled food from Gator Dining, and crying while her roommate was with her boyfriend.

“And she just met Jimmy last week at a frat party!”

Lonely students also face the fact that their parents didn’t even come up to visit them.

“My mom always says she loves me, but does she really?”

Said Blanc.

“She and my entire family went on a cruise while I have to take Algebra 2 – again.”

Calling to question their whole existence, these students face the reality that 1) their parents have moved on from them and 2) turning 19 is utterly unimportant.

For now, these summer birthday students will have to sing Happy Birthday to themselves and eat their Gator Dining cookies alone.