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Skateboarder Breaks Space-Time Continuum Going Down Stadium Road

A small set of skid marks on Stadium Road are all that remain of a local skateboarder after he hit terminal velocity going down...

Library West Escalators Broken, Students Unsure of How to Get to Second Floor

The Plaza of the Americas was rocked last Tuesday as one of its main attractions, Library West, experienced catastrophic failure. The escalators leading from...

Freshman ‘Definitely’ Going To Study This Semester

After an abrupt wake up call last semester, University of Florida freshman Timothy Jones has declared that he is indeed going to study this...

Turlington Potato Falls, Crushes Two

Disaster struck last night when UF’s least distinguished landmark dislodged and rolled across campus, resulting in dozens of injuries and 2 fatalities. The potato...

Local Walmart Sold Out of Pastel Shorts and Button Ups Amid Crippling Surplus of School Supplies

National retail chain Walmart was reeling after unusual inventory issues following the beginning of the 2013 fall semester. They experienced a deluge of students...