Last night the University of Kentucky really showed us by winning against us for the first time since 1986. Florida fans are shocked, and intend to identify exactly which skipped rituals caused the loss.
Tailgaters are working together to figure out which lucky shirts were accidentally washed, and which traditions were botched by newcomers. The UFPD will be launching a full investigation, after a respectable grieving period.
“I prayed to that Tim Tebow statue all day Friday, but I just don’t know if he heard me,” said serial tailgater Teddy McDaniels.
With the 31-year streak in favor of the Gators, even UK head coach Mark Stoops admitted to betting against his team. He seemed very surprised at the Wildcats’ success, and not altogether happy about it.
“Losing 32 times in a row would’ve been embarrassing,” said Stoops. “But winning cost me my next paycheck.
The Wildcat win is slowly dawning on Kentucky fans, many of whom had already accepted a loss. Many fans actively avoided the results of the game, and heard the news via phone calls from relatives. Having had several hours to take in the news, their obnoxious celebrations are now in full swing.
As a reminder, Kentucky natives are naturally tactless and best left alone when excited. They have trouble handling themselves, and often end up loudly slurring incoherent insults. Considering they’ve had 31 years to come up with snappy one-liners and taunts, their insults are almost as mediocre as their state.
Wildcats are loudly proclaiming that they made history with last night’s win, while conveniently forgetting about the 31 years we made history against them. That’s alright. We’ll remind them next year.