Student Already Statistically Incapable of Passing Class


A new academic record has been set at the University of Florida as one student has already guaranteed themselves a failing grade in a course.

Only a few weeks into the semester, James Alegro has calculated that it is literally impossible for him to get a grade higher than a C minus in his Macroeconomics class. Alegro, a 3rd year Business major, failed to turn in the first syllabus survey and then every subsequent assignment.

“I just plugged in my grades to the grade calculating spreadsheet and it said the highest percentage I could get in the class was a 55 percent.”

Said Alegro, now unable to graduate until 2024.

“I’m not going to lie, it kind of came as a surprise to me since I don’t usually fail a class until at least the first exam.”

The University plans on sending Alegro a certificate for his achievement. The previous record for the fastest a class has been failed was held by Janine Seria with a time of six weeks and three days. The record for the shortest time needed to fail a class in the state of Florida is currently held by a Florida State student that managed to flunk out of the class the first day after the add-drop period.

“I met with Mr. Alegro several times in the past few weeks in an attempt to help him get back on track,”

Said Richard Dominga, professor of the aforementioned Macroeconomics class.

“It didn’t help that he missed every meeting I tried to arrange and I don’t even know what he looks like.”

Alegro’s parents declined to comment, but his young sister was insistent that one day she would break the new record just to rub it in his face.

Other notable records tracked by the University are Longest Streak of Sitting in the Same Seat(15 weeks, 1 day), Most Dining Hall Food Consumed in a Semester(2.4 tons), and Highest Blood Alcohol Content at Football Game(0.69%).


Student Already Statistically Incapable of Passing Class

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