Campus scientists made a shocking discovery Monday morning, after unearthing an intact fossil of what appeared to be a University of Florida student riding a scooter.
The scientists were studying the glacier that appeared on campus following the cold front that swept into Gainesville last week. Tom Jeron, Winter Meteorologist, said he believes the glacier formed from a particularly large puddle on Stadium Rd.
“The glacier contains many artifacts that you would expect from a university, such as calculators and deflated footballs,”
Jeron said, who spends 360 days of the year unemployed.
“But finding an entire student, and her Vespa, was a shock even to the most experienced experts.”
Jeron and his team said that the student was discovered in the lower half of the glacier, which indicates that the glacier has been melting and reforming for multiple years. The team was also able to deduce that the girl was on her way from Library West, by the multiple empty Starbucks cups in her bag, sweatpants and undereye bags.
“From our investigation, we believe that this specimen dates all the way back to the Tebow era,”
Said Senior Glaciolist Aladda Ise.
“The main indicators being the individual’s 2007 Ugg boot and Blackberry cell phone.”
Ise said it is their current expert opinion that the girl was likely returning home from the library when she was caught in a sudden cold front, and even her boots and puffy vest were not enough to protect her from a level of cold that no Floridian is prepared for. The team was even able to identify a former classmate of the girl by flyering her photo.
“I knew it was Shelby as soon as I saw that picture of her– even though all the ice melted her makeup off,”
Said Kelly Braham, current grad student and friend of the fossilized girl.
“When she didn’t turn up that night I just figured she decided Chem 2 was too hard and went home or something.”
Jeron said the team is going to continue studying this rare specimen, but in the meantime is using Shelby as a lesson for Forida-raised students not to leave the house when it is under 60 degrees.