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February 7, 2017

UFPD Stops Underground Scooter Racing Ring

A UFPD spokesman announced that they had stopped a heinous crime ring this week, by exposing a gang of scooter racing deviants on campus.

“We successfully infiltrated a scooter racing ring on campus after months of undercover work.”

Said Officer Brad Snoops, the only cop on the force still young enough to pretend to be a college student.

“All I had to do was find the Facebook event, throw on some pastel shorts and say I was a PoliSci major.”

Snoops reported that the group had planned on having their third race in the basement of the Reitz Union garage this week, but that he was able to shut it down from the inside. Snoops said the racers were reaching top [...]

 
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February 6, 2017

RTS Buses to Save Gas by Just Slowing Down Instead of Stopping

RTS revealed an innovative new plan Monday to save money by simply prohibiting drivers to come to a complete and full stop.

Saying that too much gas is wasted on frequent stopping, Ron Tocker, the RTS spokesperson, showed a poorly animated video of the proposed change.

“According to scientists, we could be seeing between $10-$20 of savings per week.”

Said Tocker, pointing to a large picture of a bus with dollar signs around it.

They plan for buses to open the doors a few feet before arriving at the stop, allowing passengers to jump out while others attempt to jump in. The change is expected to scare people away from riding the bus, but RTS officials think [...]