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February 3, 2017

Executive Order Bans Online Students From Campus

The Board of Student Transfers announced last Friday that they will temporarily be barring any and all online students from campus in what they are calling now, the “PaCE ban.”

“I want to emphasize that this is not a ban on all online students,”

Explained representative Quail Stourton.

“We just need to keep the food lines short for the people who REALLY take classes here.”

Pro-PaCE integration activist Veronica Whitley said she thinks the ban is outrageous. Whitley and her fellow PPists have been organizing multiple protests around campus, stating that the PaCE students have just as right to campus resources as everyone.

“We’ve already decided to [...]

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April 25, 2016

Beaty Towers elevators to be replaced with rock climbing walls

The University of Florida Housing Department announced plans to replace the Beaty Towers elevators with rock climbing walls this Tuesday.

“We’ve just received so many complaints from residents about those elevators in Beaty,”

Explained Lee Snyder, president of the UF Housing Floor Transportation committee.

“It just made sense to get rid of them altogether.”

Students seem excited about the potential change, as so many of them have been victims of the terrible elevator experiences that plague the dorm building.

“One day, the elevator just never showed up when I pressed the button. I was stranded on my floor for hours,”

Said Sally Wallas, a [...]

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March 21, 2016

New Starbucks to open inside Marston Starbucks

University of Florida President, Kent Fuchs, announced Monday that a long-awaited 7th on-campus Starbucks will be opening inside of the Marston Science Library Starbucks.

The idea for this addition came about when students began complaining about the average line length to get a coffee on campus.

“Having to wait ten minutes is just time I don’t have,”

Said Ashley Klein, 19, a marketing major at UF.

“I need my venti caramel peppermint mocha macchiato with soy milk, a shot of espresso, pumpkin spice, and extra cinnamon now.”

Because the UF Squirrel Party was successfully able to cut a deal with Starbucks corporate, the new Starbucks location will also [...]

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October 22, 2015

Little Hall bathrooms voted cleanest in Gainesville

The Clean Restrooms Assessment Association of Alachua County has declared this week that they are naming the bathrooms of Little Hall at the University of Florida to be the cleanest in Alachua County

The association spent over a year testing every restroom in the county, public or private, according to a strict rubric which included criteria such as: amount of abnormally large insects, likeness of toilet paper to sandpaper and area of restroom floor that was a recognizable color. They came to their conclusion after much [...]