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February 20, 2017

Engineering Master’s Student Unable to Change Flat Tire

Masters of Engineering student Johnathan Khaling was stranded for hours on Archer Road Thursday after the left front tire of his Toyota Camry ran over a small nail and became flat.

“I can design a rocket ship from scratch but this was completely out of my expertise.”

Said Khaling, who also unsuccessfully uses the ‘I can design a rocket ship from scratch’ line to pick up chicks.

“I guess I just have to get a new car now, I’d been eying a Prius anyway.”

At first, Khaling said that he used every tool in his trunk in an attempt to remove the flat tire. But after his protractor and the screwdriver in his swiss army knife didn’t work, he was forced to [...]

 
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January 5, 2017

Local Band Hare Krishna Drops New Single

For the first time since their 1965 MTV Music Video award for song of the year, local band Hare Krishna plans to release a new track.

“The track will be on our new album which will also feature the one other song we have,”

Said Hare Krishna member Johnathan Armando.

“We plan to use some bells and drums and stuff, so we’re really mixing it up this time.”

Hare Krishna is most known for their Olive Garden-esque cuisine and the one hundredth of an acre of land they own in the Plaza of the Americas. They can be spotted somewhere between the couple getting a little too handsy in a hammock and that dude taking hacky sack way too seriously.

The band has [...]

 
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December 5, 2016

Classmate Who Ruined Grade Curve Now Missing

Breaking news by UFPD reports that straight A student Arnold Madison has suspiciously been reported missing only days after Madison dramatically altered the grade curve in one of his classes.

“He killed our grade curve so maybe the curve finally returned the favor.”

Said suspect and classmate Sarah Domer.

Madison reported altered the grade curve so drastically that some students have a negative number as their grade in the class.

“If the Gators’ offense never managed to get a negative score I never thought I could.”

Said Marc Freeman, who received a -23 as his final average.

The investigation over what happened to Madison is well under way, [...]

 
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November 18, 2016

Single Cloud to Delay LSU Game

Erratic weather is once again affecting the chances of UF playing rival LSU. It was reported by SEC Network Analyst that a single cloud is predicted to be heading straight for the stadium, and could delay the game even longer.

“A cloud this large and grey looking could definitely be cause to cancel the game,”

Said SEC Analyst Chip Skyler.

“Sure, Florida fans may have traveled hours to get here, but their safety comes first.”

The UF-LSU matchup was originally set to be played in October but got delayed because of Hurricane Matthew. The cloud currently floating above the stadium was observed to be a category 2 nimbus and may contain a liquid like [...]