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February 22, 2017

Emoji Over Girl’s Beer in SnapChat Story Not Fooling Anyone

A popular vote by a group of Maria Rozo’s friends this past Wednesday has unanimously concluded that her placement of an emoji over a beer in her Snap story fooled absolutely no one.

The vote was taken after Rozo attended a ladies’ night event in midtown and posted a series of snapchats with some girlfriends, and appeared to be holding mysteriously large stickers and emoji’s in 99% of them.

“I wanted to post the pictures because they were cute, but ever since my cousins added me on Snapchat I’ve had to be careful not to post anything incriminating,”

Rozo said, whose Snapchat stories average 190 seconds.

“I saw a few friends do it on Instagram, so I decided [...]

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February 13, 2017

Cockroaches Protest Unlivable Dining Hall Conditions

A representative from the new cockroach community in Broward Dining Hall announced this morning that they plan to protest their “unlivable conditions” this week.

The spokesman, Alan Buggard, said that these protests have been a long time coming. According to Buggard, the cockroach community has been putting up with the decline in the quality of their home space for almost their entire life span.

“At first it wasn’t so bad, lots of crumbs and stuff you know,”

Said leader of the protest, Carl Roachenson.

“But after a while it was like, there were so many of us and you can only eat pizza for so many days of the week.”

Roachenson said that at the [...]

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February 3, 2017

Executive Order Bans Online Students From Campus

The Board of Student Transfers announced last Friday that they will temporarily be barring any and all online students from campus in what they are calling now, the “PaCE ban.”

“I want to emphasize that this is not a ban on all online students,”

Explained representative Quail Stourton.

“We just need to keep the food lines short for the people who REALLY take classes here.”

Pro-PaCE integration activist Veronica Whitley said she thinks the ban is outrageous. Whitley and her fellow PPists have been organizing multiple protests around campus, stating that the PaCE students have just as right to campus resources as everyone.

“We’ve already decided to [...]

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January 30, 2017

Breaking: Professor Doesn’t Actually Want You to Come to Office Hours

A recent study has revealed that, despite common belief, most professors do not actually want students to come to their office hours.

Lacey Hert, 20, said that she and her classmates decided to conduct the study after she attended office hours for the first time and was not greeted with the warm reception she was hoping for.

“My professor always gushes at the end of class about how she’s always here for us, and we can always bring any questions to her after class,”

Hert said, though she wanted to keep this certain professor’s identity anonymous.

“But I got there and she was just kicked back eating Chinese food and watching TV and actually seemed [...]