Breaking: You Can Stop Taking the Long Way to Avoid Turlington


Turlington, finally back to its normal self.

Turlington Plaza, a haven for free speech and free merch, finally returns to its normal annoyance level today as SG elections finally draw to a close.

In preparation for elections, Turlington tablers tapped into their most outgoing selves, completely disregarding the normal rules for engaging with another human being. They approached people listening to music, talking with friends, and obviously trying to get to Good Life before the TAs finished attendance.

“I got a papercut from something one of them was shoving at me,”

Said Elle Shon, a student just trying to get to class,

“I had started wearing workout clothes and jogging through Turlington just to get outta there faster.”

The limitless extraversion of SG representatives was enough to force the most apathetic students to avoid the area altogether. Students that chose to brave the tablers speed-walked past with their eyes fixed in front of them, or while loudly proclaiming how late they were to meet that one guy at that one place.

“My strategy for avoiding tablers? The SG people are so nice, I don’t need to avoid them,”

Said Santiago Acevedo, who can also recite all the polling locations on campus by heart.

“Wait, did you not vote? You really should have, it means a lot to them. Not to mention they make decisions about where your tuition is going.”

With the elections finally past us, we’re free to put our defenses down. You’re finally free from the shame of not really caring what happens with your tuition.

Take a leisurely stroll past the Potato. Replace your highly visible over-ear headphones with earbuds. Stop to take a satirical magazine out of the boxes. Walk alone proudly instead of getting close to the person next to you so it kind of looks like you’re together.

Unless the Turlington preacher is out.


Breaking: You Can Stop Taking the Long Way to Avoid Turlington

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