Executive Order Bans Online Students From Campus

by , February 3, 2017

The Board of Student Transfers announced last Friday that they will temporarily be barring any and all online students from campus in what they are calling now, the “PaCE ban.”

“I want to emphasize that this is not a ban on all online students,”

Explained representative Quail Stourton.

“We just need to keep the food lines short for the people who REALLY take classes here.”

Pro-PaCE integration activist Veronica Whitley said she thinks the ban is outrageous. Whitley and her fellow PPists have been organizing multiple protests around campus, stating that the PaCE students have just as right to campus resources as everyone.

“We’ve already decided to protest at all the RTS bus stops and SNAP van stations,”

Said PP activist Chima Mercutio.

“I know at least one pre-law student who’s great at arguing with authority.”

Many students were distraught when they found out that their friends and loved ones were stopped at the border of campus and forbidden to use the bookstore or even the infirmary. However, some think that the ban is finally going to restore UF to #1 again.

“I actually didn’t have a problem at all with the PaCE students until the Board told me they were eating all our Gator Dining food and drinking our Gatorade,”

Said sophomore Gerry Golde.

“After I heard that I was all for the ban—I say ‘if your UFID isn’t white, stay out of sight!’”

Currently, those supporting the ban seem satisfied with the current state of campus, though no proof has arisen that any lines or infirmary waits are shorter. However, a representative from Gator Dining said they have seen more traffic than they have in years.

“This is just the first step,”

Stourton said.

“We’re hoping the wall on the Tallahassee border begins construction next month.”

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