The recent controversy surrounding the UF calendar that features former football star but current murderer Aaron Hernandez could have a been a lot worse, Crocodile investigators report. We have uncovered a top secret design document detailing some of the other candidates for the month of July that didn’t quite make the cut. Classified photos and descriptions are below. Former clown and current dead person, John Wayne Gacy: Former UF swimmer and current douchebag, Ryan Lochte: Former Glorious Leader and current Glorious Leader in heaven, Kim Il-Sung: Former Gainesville Ripper and current urban legend, Danny Rolling: Former citizen and current[...]
Local restaurants had to close yesterday on the 20th after running out of food in the late afternoon. Many are attributing this shortage to a bustling spring season and an increase of people going out to eat for Easter. One of the affected businesses, Taco Bell, responded with a comment: We didn’t expect that our burritos and tacos would be such a popular Easter dish! It’s strange that they were so desired, as we didn’t have any special marketing or anything. Looks like people just want the highest quality food on this special day. The spokesperson was later fired for[...]
After completing his Analytical Essay the Sunday night before it was due, “What is the Good Life?” student Tyler Oram successfully found enlightenment. In his essay, Oram compared an African sculpture from the Harn Museum to Sophocles’ Antigone, an apparently telling combination. He can usually be found spreading his teachings to the Hare Krishna group at the Plaza of the Americas and can be identified by the incandescent light emanating from his radiant skin. Witnesses claim to have seen Oram explode in an aura of greatness as rays of celestial light shone through a Library West window on him[...]
This amazing picture of our boy Pat was recently taken by the Associated Press. Crocodile photographers were not to be outdone, however, so they have returned with some nice images.
Patric Young, star University of Florida center, recently cited The Crocodile as the inspiration for his athletic success. The Gators are ranked as the number one seed this year despite having players besides Patric. Coming off of a win in the SEC championship, fans knew that the Gators were destined for greatness. But long before they were convinced, Crocodile physical trainers were hired after the Elite Eight loss to Michigan last season to ensure a better performance. They brought with them the vast knowledge of exercise that a job at the finest newspaper at UF can provide. Utilizing dozens of gallons[...]
Crocodile reporters near the Dean’s office are reporting that ROTC cadets and midshipmen staged a coup and have successfully overthrown all UF administration. It is unclear at this time who is in charge, as all faculty buildings are guarded by cadets with decommissioned rifles. The coup began during a seemingly normal PT session late last Thursday. After fifty push-ups however, the cadets went on a campus assault, taking the Reitz and nearby nuclear facility in quick succession. Undercover members were stationed in key positions around the Hub and Gator Dining. We found a UFPD officer, who told us: “Everyone just[...]
Rare footage has surfaced of the mysterious man who has been peeing on students. Will the UFPD ever catch him? Probably not.
What was once thought to be an innocent game of cross-campus tag has now caught the attention of Gainesville’s law enforcement. The game is now suspected of being a cover-up for a heated battle for territory between two rival campus gangs: the Fat Albertz and the 352 Boyz. A secret informant has been feeding detectives information about the gangs. So far in the investigation, it has been established that there was originally only one gang, the Fat Albertz, who ran a massive underground operation at UF. They peddled Adderall, stolen quiz answers, coupon books, and occasionally forged student IDs. After much[...]
While a mystery criminal has been terrorizing campus with acts of indecent exposure and serial urination, new reports reveal that the University of Florida is, and has been, simultaneously pissing on every single student for years. “I had first realized UF was pissing on me when I had to enroll for Good Life freshman year,” stated Van Johnson, an Accounting sophomore. “I wasn’t convinced until a few weeks into Fall semester, when I realized how awful the meal plan really was.” Other students described similar feelings. “The icing on the cake was when three full buses passed me on the[...]