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October 27, 2016

UF Freshman Pretends to Know How to Do Laundry

Melissa Totes, 18, was able to fool her peers for at least an hour in the Graham Area laundry room on Monday by acting like she actually knew how to wash her clothes without the help of her parents or the internet.

“She was impressive at first, I almost believed that she was an experienced clothes-washer,”

Said eye-witness Jennifer Roley, 19.

“Then I realized none of the machines were on and she was using shampoo as detergent.”

Totes said that she knew she would have to do laundry eventually, but that her only real knowledge of doing laundry came from TV shows and she just assumed that it would come to her naturally. However, after arriving in the room [...]

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October 26, 2016

UF Introduces New Longboard Lane

Due to an increase in longboard traffic, UF officials announced that they will soon be adding a lane specifically designed for longboards everywhere on and around campus.

According to Ed Whest, from the Committee for Recreational Wheels or “CReW,” the new longboard lanes will be made extra wide for the longboarders that suck at longboarding and fail to meet “sick gnarly” standards.

“Since the majority of longboarders at UF are major posers that can’t even powerslide, they gotta be pretty big,”

Whest said, who asked us to refer to him as “SkateMaster Whest.”

“The new lanes will technically cut bike lanes in half, but people on longboards are cooler than [...]

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October 24, 2016

Classmate You Thought Was Exotic Actually From Ocala

In a shocking turn of events, that girl you talked to that one time in your class who seemed to clearly be exotic, was actually born twenty minutes away according to her About Me section on Facebook.

“I don’t understand why she’s so tan and wears an ankle bracelet all the time,”

Said UF student Jeremy Adams, classmate of the outed local.

“I thought it was from surfing or hiking or something, but I know there’s no mountains or oceans anywhere near Ocala.”

UF Sophomore Ashley Goodma was thought to be an exotic student born at least 500 miles from the city of Gainesville according to other students in her Theatre Appreciation class. Recent evidence has [...]

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October 20, 2016

Student Frantically Hides Coke in Mini Fridge Before RA Inspection

A UF student reportedly barely managed to hide a contraband can of Coca-Cola™ in his mini fridge before his RA arrived for a room inspection this week.

Sophomore Tommy Jones reportedly was heard muttering “I’m doomed. Doomed!” and “Oh god, please don’t kick me out” after he realized that room inspections were beginning while he had yet to hide a stray can of Coke Zero.

“I wanted to hide it behind a bookcase that was secretly a door or something, but then I realized I didn’t have one of those,”

Jones said through the phones at the University Detention Center.

“I should probably have been more prepared, but I always thought random room searches were a myth, [...]