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December 6, 2016

How My Professor Stole Christmas

Every Gator down in Gainesville liked Christmas a lot,

But my professor, who basically lived in his office in Weimer, did not!

My professor hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!

Now please, don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be his Krishna was not cooked just right.

It could be, perhaps, UF parking spaces were too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all,

May have been that his “Beat Kentucky” shirt was two [...]

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December 5, 2016

Classmate Who Ruined Grade Curve Now Missing

Breaking news by UFPD reports that straight A student Arnold Madison has suspiciously been reported missing only days after Madison dramatically altered the grade curve in one of his classes.

“He killed our grade curve so maybe the curve finally returned the favor.”

Said suspect and classmate Sarah Domer.

Madison reported altered the grade curve so drastically that some students have a negative number as their grade in the class.

“If the Gators’ offense never managed to get a negative score I never thought I could.”

Said Marc Freeman, who received a -23 as his final average.

The investigation over what happened to Madison is well under way, [...]

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December 4, 2016

Student Suddenly Into Gator Basketball

Around 10 p.m. Saturday night, a UF student reported that he was suddenly looking forward to the Gator basketball season.

Ryan Robbins, 19, started showing interest to his roommates when he asked how much season tickets were, and was pleasantly shocked when they told him he didn’t have to pay anything at all.

“I’ve never seen Ryan interested in basketball except for that time we played HORSE once at our apartment’s rundown court,”

Said Robbins’ roommate Jeff Star.

“And once we told him tickets were free he started talking about how excited he was to see Patric Young play in person—I didn’t want to burst his bubble.”

Robbins reportedly has already [...]

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December 2, 2016

Student Vows to Really Apply Himself to Last Two Classes of Semester

A University of Florida sophomore has told his peers he really plans to “buckle down” on his last two classes left of the fall semester.

Ryan Budder, 19, told a group of his peers at Library West on Tuesday that he has put his days of skipping classes and submitting assignments last-minute assignments in the past in order to get his grades up within the last week and a half of the semester.

“I know I goofed off a lot for the first ¾’s of this semester but I’m going to take things seriously now,”

Budder said from the bookstore as he looked for the texts he was assigned in September.

“I really think I can bring my low C up to a high B if I just try hard [...]