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August 19, 2016

STUDY: Students who miss Convocation 90% more likely to fail in school, relationships, life

A new study conducted by the National Board of Disregarding Convocation (NBD for short) has provided some insight as to why students who skip UF Convocation ultimately end up as huge failures.

While most students were aware that skipping such a landmark ceremony was a sure sign of failure later in life, many did not know exactly why that was true.

“You see, information disseminated during Convocation ceremonies simply cannot be replicated,”

Sophomore UF student and head of NBD told reporters.

“If you miss this, you’re basically missing college entirely.”

This year’s ceremony is especially important, as faculty have set “Higher Expectations” for the [...]

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August 4, 2016

Girl who runs stadiums to compete in Rio Olympics

Despite the recent issues plaguing this year’s Olympics, one UF student is still hoping to take home the gold in an all new event.

Don’t let the Ross sweatpants and Anthropology major fool you, Ashley Bloom could not be more motivated. What started out as running stadiums once a week at Ben Hill Griffin stadium has turned into the most inspiring Olympic story of all time.

“I started doing it just to lose a few pounds, but then I realized I was beating football players to the top.”

Said Bloom, who got cut from her JV soccer team in high school.

Bloom has been selected to represent the United States in the Stadium Running event at the Rio Olympics.

It [...]

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July 27, 2016

Report: Treon Harris to transfer to University of Phoenix

An infamous starter on the Gator football team has reportedly transferred to another institution.

Treon Harris, the quarterback who stepped in after Will Grier’s suspension last fall, is leaving the University of Florida. The former four-star recruit said he plans to take his talents to an unlikely program: the University of Phoenix.

“The online school?”

Head Coach Jim McElwain asked when told of Harris’ transfer.

“Is he going to be a starter there?”

With a host of new QB’s eyeing the starting job, Harris was reported to play wide receiver in the fall. However, the [...]

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July 25, 2016

Students marry after bumping backpacks in the Hub

Two students reportedly have wedding bells in their future after their Jansport backpacks became tangled while in line for Chick-Fil-A at the Hub.

The students, Bryan Prindle and Jessie Sootem, were both carrying around their roughly 35-pound backpacks between their summer classes when they joined the stampede for chicken sandwiches. During the rush, Sootem and Prindle’s packs somehow became connected and the two decided it would be better to join the line with a stranger rather than lose their places.

“I’m not entirely sure how it all happened,”

Said Prindle, a 19-year-old chemistry major.

“I think the flappy thing got connected to that buckle thing? [...]