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January 19, 2017

Pool of Lava Found in Marston Basement

Eyewitnesses have reported seeing new signs up in Marston early this morning warning students and library employees about a seemingly dangerous pool of molten lava in the library’s basement.

A spokesman for the library said that a janitor discovered the pool in one of the study rooms early this morning when they lifted up the carpet to try and remove 45 years of discarded gum. The spokesman, Conrad Vection, said that pools of lava were a staple in the construction of older buildings to heat the room in colder months.

“We didn’t know that the pool was there, however it definitely never posed a danger to students,”

Vection said.

“Unless you disturb it, or [...]

 
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January 12, 2017

Student Throws Away Sweater After Final Day of Winter

After surviving an unforgiving winter, University of Florida freshman Ryan Fox realized it was time to change up his wardrobe.

Five days ago, when winter began, Fox realized that he would need to adapt to the change in weather to survive. He headed to the bookstore and bought a black Gator hoodie at a bargain price of $450.

“I couldn’t believe my luck,”

Fox said.

“You’d think with such harsh conditions out that they would be completely sold out!”

But, when Fox woke up Thursday morning, his snapchat filter read “71 degrees.” He pumped his fist against his chest and pointed to the sky.

“I thank my guardian angel for guiding me through that [...]

 
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January 10, 2017

Annoying Student Already Calling Professor by First Name

Eyewitnesses reported Tuesday that a UF student is somehow already referring to one of her professors by their first name.

Annie Brunose, 19, was only in the second week of her marketing class when her classmates noticed that she seemed to be on a first-name basis with their instructor, a fact which shocked and unnerved his classmates.

“I was walking out of class when I heard her talking, and I didn’t think much of it,”

Said Sean Gallows,19.

“But then I heard her say ‘it’s okay if I call you Jane, right?’ and my jaw almost hit the floor.”

Brunose said that she doesn’t understand why her friends and fellow students are surprised by her familiarity [...]

 
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January 6, 2017

Freshman blacks out on Arizona iced tea

According to eyewitnesses at local PoliSci student Rebecca Morse’s house party, a freshman student reportedly got ‘blackout drunk’ on a .99 Arizona iced tea over the weekend.

The freshman student, Cindy Lora, was allegedly last seen laying in a bathtub at the party claiming she was too drunk to walk home, despite all those present at the party claiming they had only ever seen her walking around with the 23 ounce can of Arizona.

“I kept asking her friends who were with her ‘Is it spiked? Did you pregame?’ but they had no idea what I was talking about,”

Said Morse, who said she invited Lora only because she and her older sister went to the same gymnastics [...]