The UFPD has recently established a so-called “rumor hotline” in an attempt to gather information about the mysterious white male that has been terrorizing campus. However, the plan seems to have backfired as the new toll-free line has been flooded with rumors unrelated to the crimes. The spokesman for the UFPD admits that they regret using Officer Tenpenny’s office line as the main hub, and that he is constantly inundated with useless information. Just the other day, while looking through the video footage of the white male, I got another call. I was excited that it might be helpful information,[...]
The Florida Gators remain undefeated in this year’s football season after a long and arduous game against Idaho. Perhaps the most surprising moment was the unveiling of the Gators’ new offense; featuring a choreographed rain dance to summon the ancient thunder god Raijin. Dressed in a homemade spiritual garb hidden under their uniforms, the gators joined hands in the locker room, swaying back and forth while praying for the mighty Raijin to summon a win via draw. The ritual seemed to work for a few hours, as the players reached a fever pitch. The dance was stopped when Driskel pulled[...]
The recent controversy surrounding the UF calendar that features former football star but current murderer Aaron Hernandez could have a been a lot worse, Crocodile investigators report. We have uncovered a top secret design document detailing some of the other candidates for the month of July that didn’t quite make the cut. Classified photos and descriptions are below. Former clown and current dead person, John Wayne Gacy: Former UF swimmer and current douchebag, Ryan Lochte: Former Glorious Leader and current Glorious Leader in heaven, Kim Il-Sung: Former Gainesville Ripper and current urban legend, Danny Rolling: Former citizen and current[...]
Local restaurants had to close yesterday on the 20th after running out of food in the late afternoon. Many are attributing this shortage to a bustling spring season and an increase of people going out to eat for Easter. One of the affected businesses, Taco Bell, responded with a comment: We didn’t expect that our burritos and tacos would be such a popular Easter dish! It’s strange that they were so desired, as we didn’t have any special marketing or anything. Looks like people just want the highest quality food on this special day. The spokesperson was later fired for[...]
After completing his Analytical Essay the Sunday night before it was due, “What is the Good Life?” student Tyler Oram successfully found enlightenment. In his essay, Oram compared an African sculpture from the Harn Museum to Sophocles’ Antigone, an apparently telling combination. He can usually be found spreading his teachings to the Hare Krishna group at the Plaza of the Americas and can be identified by the incandescent light emanating from his radiant skin. Witnesses claim to have seen Oram explode in an aura of greatness as rays of celestial light shone through a Library West window on him[...]
This amazing picture of our boy Pat was recently taken by the Associated Press. Crocodile photographers were not to be outdone, however, so they have returned with some nice images.
Patric Young, star University of Florida center, recently cited The Crocodile as the inspiration for his athletic success. The Gators are ranked as the number one seed this year despite having players besides Patric. Coming off of a win in the SEC championship, fans knew that the Gators were destined for greatness. But long before they were convinced, Crocodile physical trainers were hired after the Elite Eight loss to Michigan last season to ensure a better performance. They brought with them the vast knowledge of exercise that a job at the finest newspaper at UF can provide. Utilizing dozens of gallons[...]
Crocodile reporters near the Dean’s office are reporting that ROTC cadets and midshipmen staged a coup and have successfully overthrown all UF administration. It is unclear at this time who is in charge, as all faculty buildings are guarded by cadets with decommissioned rifles. The coup began during a seemingly normal PT session late last Thursday. After fifty push-ups however, the cadets went on a campus assault, taking the Reitz and nearby nuclear facility in quick succession. Undercover members were stationed in key positions around the Hub and Gator Dining. We found a UFPD officer, who told us: “Everyone just[...]
Rare footage has surfaced of the mysterious man who has been peeing on students. Will the UFPD ever catch him? Probably not.