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July 27, 2016

Report: Treon Harris to transfer to University of Phoenix

An infamous starter on the Gator football team has reportedly transferred to another institution.

Treon Harris, the quarterback who stepped in after Will Grier’s suspension last fall, is leaving the University of Florida. The former four-star recruit said he plans to take his talents to an unlikely program: the University of Phoenix.

“The online school?”

Head Coach Jim McElwain asked when told of Harris’ transfer.

“Is he going to be a starter there?”

With a host of new QB’s eyeing the starting job, Harris was reported to play wide receiver in the fall. However, the [...]

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July 25, 2016

Students marry after bumping backpacks in the Hub

Two students reportedly have wedding bells in their future after their Jansport backpacks became tangled while in line for Chick-Fil-A at the Hub.

The students, Bryan Prindle and Jessie Sootem, were both carrying around their roughly 35-pound backpacks between their summer classes when they joined the stampede for chicken sandwiches. During the rush, Sootem and Prindle’s packs somehow became connected and the two decided it would be better to join the line with a stranger rather than lose their places.

“I’m not entirely sure how it all happened,”

Said Prindle, a 19-year-old chemistry major.

“I think the flappy thing got connected to that buckle thing? [...]

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July 20, 2016

UF to bake Gator Dining cookies on top of Rawlings garage

Aramark has recently announced that the always-popular Gator Dining cookies will now be cooked using only solar heat from the top of the Rawlings garage in an attempt to save energy and take advantage of what is undoubtedly the hottest surface in Gainesville.

The new cooking plan will be scheduled to take place on the hottest times of the week: Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 1 p.m. and on any day that you decide to ride your bike.

Aramark staff will soon be installing the “ovens”—large cooking trays that will be put on top of the cars of those who slept through their alarm and had to drive to class to make it on time.

“This new cooking initiative is going to [...]

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July 19, 2016

37 UF football players suspended after playing laser tag

Another day of bad judgement has led the UF Football team to even more suspensions. The NCAA has suspended 37 players after officials found evidence of the team participating at a local laser tag arena.

The overwhelming evidence was that the Gators players were wearing their full game uniforms while playing laser tag.

“I just wear my jersey no matter where I’m at.”

Said UF quarterback Luke Del Rio.

“I never even thought it could possibly backfire.”

The Gators decided on laser tag over bowling because the bowling alley at the Reitz doesn’t allow laughing or happiness.

The players will reportedly be suspended until the Gators are completely out [...]