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February 22, 2017

Emoji Over Girl’s Beer in SnapChat Story Not Fooling Anyone

A popular vote by a group of Maria Rozo’s friends this past Wednesday has unanimously concluded that her placement of an emoji over a beer in her Snap story fooled absolutely no one.

The vote was taken after Rozo attended a ladies’ night event in midtown and posted a series of snapchats with some girlfriends, and appeared to be holding mysteriously large stickers and emoji’s in 99% of them.

“I wanted to post the pictures because they were cute, but ever since my cousins added me on Snapchat I’ve had to be careful not to post anything incriminating,”

Rozo said, whose Snapchat stories average 190 seconds.

“I saw a few friends do it on Instagram, so I decided [...]

 
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February 20, 2017

Engineering Master’s Student Unable to Change Flat Tire

Masters of Engineering student Johnathan Khaling was stranded for hours on Archer Road Thursday after the left front tire of his Toyota Camry ran over a small nail and became flat.

“I can design a rocket ship from scratch but this was completely out of my expertise.”

Said Khaling, who also unsuccessfully uses the ‘I can design a rocket ship from scratch’ line to pick up chicks.

“I guess I just have to get a new car now, I’d been eying a Prius anyway.”

At first, Khaling said that he used every tool in his trunk in an attempt to remove the flat tire. But after his protractor and the screwdriver in his swiss army knife didn’t work, he was forced to [...]

 
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February 13, 2017

Cockroaches Protest Unlivable Dining Hall Conditions

A representative from the new cockroach community in Broward Dining Hall announced this morning that they plan to protest their “unlivable conditions” this week.

The spokesman, Alan Buggard, said that these protests have been a long time coming. According to Buggard, the cockroach community has been putting up with the decline in the quality of their home space for almost their entire life span.

“At first it wasn’t so bad, lots of crumbs and stuff you know,”

Said leader of the protest, Carl Roachenson.

“But after a while it was like, there were so many of us and you can only eat pizza for so many days of the week.”

Roachenson said that at the [...]

 
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February 7, 2017

UFPD Stops Underground Scooter Racing Ring

A UFPD spokesman announced that they had stopped a heinous crime ring this week, by exposing a gang of scooter racing deviants on campus.

“We successfully infiltrated a scooter racing ring on campus after months of undercover work.”

Said Officer Brad Snoops, the only cop on the force still young enough to pretend to be a college student.

“All I had to do was find the Facebook event, throw on some pastel shorts and say I was a PoliSci major.”

Snoops reported that the group had planned on having their third race in the basement of the Reitz Union garage this week, but that he was able to shut it down from the inside. Snoops said the racers were reaching top [...]