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June 28, 2016

Student excited to trade boring summer classes for boring summer job

A UF student has reportedly informed friends and family of his overwhelming excitement to be taking a position at a part-time job instead of having to take summer classes.

Bobby Whilmer, a 20-year-old history major, told a group of classmates last week that he was “so pumped” to be taking a job as a cashier at a local grocery store instead of having to enroll in the summer classes that so many of his peers had already signed up for.

“I really don’t think my gig could get much better,”

Whilmer said, proudly wearing his apron and company mandated baseball hat.

“Sure, I might have to mop a few floors now and then – but at least I don’t have any [...]

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June 27, 2016

Ramen sales rise due to lack of summer Bright Futures

From first-hand reports in the grocery stores of Gainesville, sales of ramen noodles have increased drastically within the last week.

Ever since summer students at the University of Florida received emails from the Bursar regarding their tuition for summer classes, the cheapest food that can actually be considered “a home cooked meal” has been flying off the shelves.

Mary Strater is one of many students who made the decision to stay in Gainesville through the hottest months of the year to complete her required nine hours of summer classes. Like many other students, she has made some tough choices due to the lack of Bright Futures scholarship money that lowers tuition [...]

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June 24, 2016

BREAKING: Reitz Union votes to leave UF

After a recent poll, the residents of the Reitz Union have voted to leave the University of Florida.

The results of the poll have shocked students all over campus and the globe, as it was not expected to have a chance of passing.

“It seems as if some of our older residents and faculty have voted to leave because they want things ‘the way they used to be.’”

Said President Fuchs in a press conference.

The decision has left the Reitz Union in a state of chaos, with its proprietary currency, Flex Bucks, dropping almost 10% in value overnight. This means that residents of the Reitz are going to have to pay rising food costs if they want to keep importing [...]

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June 20, 2016

Student still working on summer body prays for one last cold front

In mid-January Sophomore Chris Gutierrez decided that he could postpone his workouts until later on in the year, when he could finally get the summer body he had been dreaming of. Then suddenly it was the middle of June and Gutierrez had gained 15 pounds.

“I don’t know what happened. I drank twice the amount of protein shakes that the athletes drink!”

Said Gutierrez.

He then tried a different strategy altogether, but quickly realized that buying swim trunks two sizes too big wasn’t making him look any fitter.

“The assistant manager at TJ Maxx pulled me aside and told me the store only had silly mirrors. So I guess I didn’t actually look good in those XXL [...]