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September 22, 2016

Freshman grows patchy beard to prove adulthood

A UF freshman has reportedly been growing a “beard” since Summer B began to prove his maturity and masculinity.

Despite his frequent assertions that he only started a few days ago as an excuse to hide his obvious lack of testosterone, Matt Nelson’s previous classmates insist he began the first day of IUF1000.

“When I first met Matt, he seemed like a normal guy who shaved regularly,”

Classmate Kasey Reynolds said.

“But he eventually started to grow it out and now he looks like a fourteen year old who just hit puberty.”

Chick-Fil-A Express® employees report that Nelson has been known to stroke his peach fuzz when deciding what to order from the [...]

 
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September 21, 2016

Students disappear after not posting game day photo

A few days after the complete shutout of the North Texas green-bird-whatevers, reports are coming in that some students who claimed to have attended the game are ceasing to exist at all.

The mass disappearance was first noted when UF freshman Jackie Klinger noticed that her friend didn’t make a game day Instagram post.

“Well, at first I was like ‘maybe she’s still hungover and hasn’t had time to find the right filter,’”

Klinger said.

“But now it’s Tuesday and there’s still no pic. Something is super wrong!”

Our sources indicate that it is definitely okay to post on Sunday, or even Monday about a Gator football game as long as you mention in the [...]

 
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September 17, 2016

North Texas Frantically Looks to Recruit Team for Football Game

The North Texas Football Program is eager to play the Gators on their big day in The Swamp, but still have one obstacle to overcome before they take the field on Saturday: They need to get a football team.

Head Coach Littrell reportedly only remembered last week that there was a football program at North Texas, and that he would have to take off a week as the Rodeo Clown at Mesquite Championship Rodeo to prep for the game.

“At first I was confident, thinking we have one of the greatest teams of all time,”

Littrell said.

“But then I remembered that I was thinking of the team from Remember the Titans and our team only has 4 players.”

Coach [...]

 
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September 16, 2016

UF Health physicians recommend washing hands after touching FSU students

In reaction to an outbreak of Hand, Foot and Mouth disease at Florida State University, UF Health physicians are urging any UF students to wash their hands immediately after any interaction with an FSU student.

We are still not sure what “Hand, Foot and Mouth disease” is but it has “disease” at the end so we would assume that it’s pretty serious.

“The disease is very serious,”

A nurse from the UF Infirmary told reporters.

“Seriously weird! Really though, what the heck? How did they contract this?”

Many medical professionals are still unsure if the outbreak of the disease is legitimate, or just a hoax that FSU has pulled to gain some [...]