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May 26, 2016

UF IT department ejects Sakai floppy disk

After recently learning that critical security updates for Windows 95 were halted in 2001, UF’s IT department finally announced that the 3.5’’ floppy disk containing the entire Sakai system would soon be ejected.

“The system is still running great. There’s no reason to assume any sensitive data was compromised,”

Said Mike Glorn, a spokesperson for UF IT, before getting into more technical details about the decision.

“Minesweeper, pinball, and spider solitaire all run fine which is a good indicator that there hasn’t been a security breach. I even ran a McAfee scan this morning and everything checked out.”

The IT staff went on to explain that they are unsure [...]

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April 26, 2016

Study: Doing yoga and relaxing lowers finals grades by 56%

Finals week has arrived and an alarming number of students are still lying in their hammocks.

UF officials have noticed that students are taking a much more lax approach to finals this year. This was confirmed when Venti coffee sales on campus dropped almost 50% from fall semester’s finals week.

“I have no idea how students are expecting to pass their tests without pure caffeine and sugar going through their veins,”

Said Gainesville’s Starbucks Assistant to the Regional Manager, Howard Smoote.

This calm “non-cramming” strategy to finals could backfire on students. A recent study shows relaxing and doing yoga twice a week will lower your final’s grade by [...]

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April 25, 2016

Beaty Towers elevators to be replaced with rock climbing walls

The University of Florida Housing Department announced plans to replace the Beaty Towers elevators with rock climbing walls this Tuesday.

“We’ve just received so many complaints from residents about those elevators in Beaty,”

Explained Lee Snyder, president of the UF Housing Floor Transportation committee.

“It just made sense to get rid of them altogether.”

Students seem excited about the potential change, as so many of them have been victims of the terrible elevator experiences that plague the dorm building.

“One day, the elevator just never showed up when I pressed the button. I was stranded on my floor for hours,”

Said Sally Wallas, a [...]

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April 22, 2016

Productive student finishes one math problem in Marston

GAINESVILLE, FL—In a shocking twist of events, a UF student managed to finish an entire math problem while studying the Marston basement.

Matthew Halls, freshman engineering student, nearly cried tears of joy when he entered one calculus question into Webassign and it was correct.

“I’ve been here since 9 a.m. and I completed one integral,”

said Halls excitedly at 3:30 p.m.

This momentous accomplishment made Halls the Marston basement stud. Girls fanned around him asking for his autograph and his secret to success.

“You know, I saw Bobby from physics, but I didn’t say hi to him,”

said Halls.

Apparently ignoring his acquaintance, Halls [...]